Each A Mother

I realize that I talk a lot about motherhood on this blog. Mostly because that is what my whole life revolves around right now and because I've discovered a new passion and vision of eternal motherhood and womanhood that takes my breath away whenever I think about it. It is all I can do not to shout out to all the women I see at the grocery store (especially if they are pregnant), "WOW! Don't we have amazing bodies! Isn't the work God has for us to do here incredible!"

Yet I also realize that a good portion of the women who read my blog aren't married, some of you have chosen not to have children yet, and some are struggling with infertility. I also realize that some women who are mothers through adoption or "aunt"option ( I just made that word up... I like it:) haven't, for many different reasons, had the opportunity of being pregnant or giving birth.

I just want to bear my testimony that I know all women are mothers. I know that regardless of our ability to physically bear children we all have the same access to the divine power of our bodies and the ability to nurture and guide children to the light of Christ. I think that Sheri Dew explained it best. She said:

" ...While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality,righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us...

...Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with priesthood ordination. It was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave women an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate. As President J. Reuben Clark Jr. declared, motherhood is “as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the Priesthood itself.” (Are We Not All Mothers, Ensign. Nov. 2001)

It is interesting to me that most of the stories about birth in the scriptures revolve around women's inability to have children. In fact I'd say that the trial of "bareness" is one that God has given to some of his strongest and most select daughters. Women like Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, the mother of Samson, the Shunamite, Hannah, and Elisabeth all struggled with extended periods of bareness. We don’t really know why some women aren’t able to bear children in this life, yet it is a beautiful promise to women to know that all women hold the seeds of divinity with in their bodies and someday, in this life or the next they will take root. Motherhood is something all women were foreordained with and it is part of their eternal nature and birthright.

The scriptures bear powerful testimony of this because in them we see that ALL, let me repeat that ALL, the women in the scriptures who are mentioned as "barren" eventually bear children of their own. Even women like Sarah and Elisabeth who were almost 100 years old, and with whom it would have been physically impossible for them to have children, bear sons from their bodies. It is God and God alone who opens or closes the womb. Remember the scripture in Isaiah 54: 1, 7 that says:

" Sing O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord... For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee."

It is my sincere hope that all the women who read my blog will realize that when I talk about motherhood, when I talk about birth, I am talking about it in the eternal sense of the word. Motherhood is more than just giving life to a child, it is more than nurturing-- it like Sheri Dew said, "the essence of who we are as women." We each have these divine seeds inside of us and regardless of our earthy experiences and opportunities, our position before God and our eternal blessings will be the same.

We truly are all mothers.

They are My Guests

Yesterday I was working on some pieces for my book project and I came across this quote that spoke directly to my heart:

“ … may I remind you, that these children did not come to you and ask you to give them bodies, they did not ask you sisters to become mothers and the men to become father of their earthy bodies. The Lord commanded, or course, that we should multiply and replenish the earth. But you, of your own volition, created the bodies for the spirits to take, and these little ones were gracious enough to come to the body you created. They are your guests. You, as hosts, owe to them all of the consideration, all of the love, all of the kindness, all of the patience and courtesy and all the other virtues that it is possible for you to give. They are here because you invited them to come. Thank God for their presence.”

- J. Reuben Clark, Jr. Relief Society Magazine, December 1955, pg. 792

How grateful I am that they were willing to come! When I remember that I am changing the diapers of a future Goddess and training a future God how to put his pants on, it sure makes my job feel much more glamorous. I needed this reminder... thanks J. Reuben Clark, Jr.

Rosie's first pony tail. I can't decide if it looks cute or silly.




These the 3D glasses I got when we went to go see Toy Story 3.
Asher loves them and still wears mine and his around the house whenever he finds them.

This is Where My Passion Comes From

I quite often get asked why I am so passionate about birth. I've thought a lot about this, trust me, and it is very complicated answer. It isn't something that is easy for me to explain. Yet seeing as I've written a lot about birth on this blog, and probably will write more in the future, I feel like it is important for me to share where the source of my beliefs about pregnancy and birth originate. Perhaps in understanding my basic paradigm for how I construct my view of womanhood and motherhood it will help you understand why I've made the choices I have and why I have such a passion for it.

I've tried to explain a bit of how I understand the importance of birth, motherhood and womanhood in a post that I originally posted on my Women in the Scriptures blog. I know that many of you don't read both my blogs... it is okay, I forgive you... and so I thought I'd re-post it here. I welcome your insights but PLEASE remember that this is a part of my heart and I ask you to handle it with care.

With that said, here is what I wrote:

As I delve into this topic I first need apologize to those of you who aren't LDS or who aren't familiar with LDS doctrine. This piece is written for an LDS audience and it is too hard, and would take way too long, for me to explain all the concepts I refer to. I don't think that this means if you aren't LDS you won't be enlightened by what I have to say, it just might be a little confusing for you. Please feel free to email me with any of your questions or you can visit this website to learn more about LDS beliefs. Also PLEASE realize that the ideas expressed here are my own personal opinions and not official doctrine of the LDS church.

One of the things I've noticed as I've studied the scriptures is that birth is an over arching theme in the stories of the women in the scriptures. A good portion of the stories about women in the scriptures center around women's ability to bear, or inability to bear, children.

Personally, the births of my children have been incredible spiritual experiences for me and have completely changed my outlook on life and eternity. I've gained great spiritual strength through the birth process and a closer relationships with my Heavenly Father and Mother. As I've reflected on my own experiences and as I read about the important role birth plays in the lives of the women of the scriptures I am prompted to believe the ability to give life is a central part of what it means to be an eternal woman and that the birth process is incredibly important to God.

A friend pointed out that in the Proclamation to the Family it says, "We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed." The means by which mortal life is created is through the processes of conception, pregnancy and birth. It stands to reason that if God designed the way children are conceived to be deeply and powerfully symbolic of a man and a woman becoming "one flesh" (Genesis 2 :24) then He has also designed the way children are born into this world to be deeply and powerfully symbolic.

In order to understand the symbolism and meaning behind labor and birth, and to understand why so many of the stories of women in the scriptures center around birth, we have to go back to Eve and the Garden.

Two Trees

When God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden he planted two trees, the tree of knowledge of good and evil and the tree of life. He told Adam and Eve that there would be consequences if they ate of the tree of knowledge but ".... nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee;" (Moses 3:17)

We know that Eve exercised the agency God had given her and chose to partake of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Through modern day revelation we know that what we she did was for the benefit of mankind and that by partaking of the fruit she was fulfilling her divine mission as a woman. In his talk "What It Means to Be a Daughter of God" James E. Faust said:

We all owe a great debt of gratitude to Eve... The choice was really between a continuation of their comfortable existence in Eden, where they would never progress, or a momentous exit into mortality with its opposites: pain, trials, and physical death in contrast to joy, growth, and the potential for eternal life. In contemplating this choice, we are told, “And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, … and a tree to be desired to make her wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and also gave unto her husband with her, and he did eat.” And thus began their earthly probation and parenthood. . . . If it hadn’t been for Eve, none of us would be here."

Eve was fulfilling her divine purpose when she partook of the tree of knowledge. From the foundations of the world she had been chosen and named as "the mother of all living" and she knew that in order to fulfill her mission she must partake of the fruit and become like God. She also knew that she wouldn't be able to fulfill her divine role without Adam's help and so she got Adam to partake of the fruit. The scriptures don't say she had to deceive or trick Adam into eating it, rather it seems that Adam "hearkened" unto his wife and agreed to the transgression so that Eve would be able to fulfill her divine calling.

Just as Eve was set apart to be the "mother of all living" from the foundations of the world, Adam was set apart to be the great High Priest of the earth with the responsibility to hold the keys and perform the saving ordinances that would bring the children of God back into His presence. Joseph Smith taught:

" The Priesthood is an everlasting principle, and existed with God from eternity… Christ is the Great High Priest; Adam next... the priesthood was first given to Adam; he obtained... it in the Creation, before the world was formed” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1938, pp. 157–58)

Adam hearkened first to Eve's divine mission and now, as Adam and Eve progress through their probationary time (Genesis 3: 22, 24), it is Eve's turn to hearken to Adam. God has designed a beautiful partnership in which Adam helps Eve fulfill her mission to bring God's children into the world; after which it is Eve's turn to hearken and help Adam fulfill his mission to bring those children unto Christ, the tree of life, and back into God's presence.

I don't think that it is any coincidence that God placed two people, male and female, in the garden and also planted two trees in the garden... two people, two trees, two divine responsibilities.

Two Veils

While the trees which God planted in the Garden of Eden have multiple levels of meaning one way in which they may be interpreted is as representing the two veils that all mankind must pass through on their journey towards exaltation.

The first veil that all mankind passes through is the veil of birth in which man is born into the world by water, blood and the spirit. Women have a stewardship over this first veil. When Eve partook of the tree of knowledge she became more like God, knowing good from evil and gaining the capacity to bear children. Eve's transgression "opened the matrix", as it says in Exodus 34:19, the womb, the gateway through which the souls of all mankind would pass through into the mortal world. The only possible way to enter this mortal world is through the body of a woman and by the shedding of her blood... there is no other way.

The second veil is the one we must pass through in order to re-enter the presence of God and continue on our eternal journey. Men have a stewardship over this second veil. Just like Adam, righteous men hold the priesthood keys and administer the ordinances which help us to become clean and enable us to go back into the presence of God. Just like the first veil, the second veil requires a sacrifice of blood, water and spirit. Through His Atonement Jesus Christ performed this great and last sacrifice for all mankind. Just as women are the only gateways into the mortal world, Christ is the only gateway into the eternal world... there is no other way.

These two veils are described in Moses 6: 59 which reads:

"That by reason of transgression cometh the fall, which fall bringeth death, and inasmuch as ye were born into the world by water, and blood, and the spirit, which I have made, and so became of dust a living soul, even so ye must be born again into the kingdom of heaven, of water, and of the Spirit, and be cleansed by blood, even the blood of mine Only Begotten; that ye might be sanctified from all sin, and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world, and eternal life in the world to come, even immortal glory;"

It is also interesting to note, and personally I don't think it is any coincidence, that the mother's side of the placenta (the organ the mother's body creates to house the baby and sustain its life) looks like a tree (for a bloody picture click here and for a non-bloody picture click here). The "fruit" of this placental tree is a baby.

This is Eve's gift to us... the promise of birth. That through our mothers, the daughters of Eve, all of God's children will partake of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and literally become the fruit of that tree. Through the power of God they will be born into this world through blood, water and the spirit and will be given a probationary time. During this probationary time it is the role of mothers and fathers to help their children to become worthy to pass through the second veil, the tree of life, through the water, blood, and spirit of Jesus Christ. This is Adam's gift to us---as the High Priest of this earth acting in authority for Jesus Christ--- the promise of re-birth.

In his talk "Equality Through Diversity" Elder M. Russell Ballard explained:

Our Heavenly Father assigned different responsibilities in mortality to men and women when we lived with Him as His spirit sons and daughters. To His sons He would give the priesthood and the responsibilities of fatherhood, and to His daughters He gave the responsibilities of motherhood, each with its attendant functions.

The creation of the world, the atonement of Jesus Christ, and the restoration of the gospel in the latter days through the Prophet Joseph Smith all have one unifying purpose: to allow all of the spirit children of our Eternal Father to obtain mortal bodies, and then, through the gift of moral agency, to follow the plan of redemption made possible by the Savior’s atonement. God prepared all of this for us that we might return to our heavenly home, clothed in immortality and eternal life, to live with Him as families.

Two Divine Stewardships

I've often heard women express pain over the fact the LDS church (and most religions in general) are so male centered-- only men hold the priesthood keys, there are much fewer women in the scriptures than men, and while we know we have a Heavenly Mother we don't hear much about her. These are questions that eat away at many LDS women's (and men's) hearts and make it hard for some of them to remain true to their faith. Yet when we remember that we have already passed through the first veil and are now working towards the second veil it makes much more sense why our world is so male centered.

Besides, who knows, if we could only glimpse into the pre-mortal world and see the other side of the veil would we see a world which was very female centered because the focus is on preparing children to go through the first veil? Would we see women working with their Heavenly Mother to prepare souls of mankind to receive their mortal bodies, teaching them their pre-mortal lessons, and guiding them to their earthly homes? Maybe.

We really don't know much about the pre-mortal world. Yet one thing we do know is that before we were born we received instruction that would prepare us for our individual labors in the Lord's vineyard. In D&C 138: 56 we read about the "noble and great ones" and how, "Even before they were born, they, with many others, received their first lessons in the world of spirits and were prepared to come forth in the due time of the Lord to labor in his vineyard for the salvation of the souls of men."

Given how incredible it is that women's bodies are able to create complete human beings, without their minds directing how it will happen, it seems possible to me that part of the "first lessons" women received in the pre-mortal world was how to create bodies and how to birth them. While their mortal minds don't remember how to do it, perhaps their eternal spirits do and it is a woman's eternal soul which directs and guides her body in the construction of the baby and oversees the process of labor and birth.

We also know that in the pre-mortal existence that Satan and a third of the host of heaven rejected God's plan to come to earth and receive mortal bodies (D&C 29:36). Because they were not faithful in keeping their first estate Satan and his third are the only ones out of God's children that will never pass through the first veil; no woman will ever create a body for them or shed her blood by bearing them into the world, nor will they ever have wives or children. This is one of the reasons that many of Satan's tactics are directed at women and at the structure which protects and guards the first veil... the family. Satan is doing everything in his power to convince women that their bodies, which are the gateway through the first veil, are dirty, ugly, imperfect, dysfunctional and of no importance. He is doing everything he can to distract and confuse women so that they abandon their responsibility as the guardians of life into this world. If he can destroy women's faith in their bodies and help them lose sight of the importance of the first veil---and the power and sanctity of conception, pregnancy and birth--- then he is well on his way to thwarting God's plan.

Satan is also trying to convince women that men's stewardship over the second veil is more important than their stewardship over the first veil and their role as what Valerie Hudson Cassler calls "the caretakers of light", referring to the great work that women do as mothers towards pointing children towards the light and love of Christ. In her book "Women in Eternity, Women of Zion" Cassler says:

"... there is a sequence to the stewardships which leads to misperception of the absolute equality of the stewardship. The caretakers of light, in their work as mothers, must perform their work for an individual before the caretakers of the Word [referring to men's priesthood oridance responsibility]... Because of this fact, the full drama of the work of the caretakers of light is muted. We don't see how some accepted the offering made by the caretakers of light, and thus the sacrifice of the caretakers of light seems common. Their very sacrifice in their work as mothers is concealed because of its perceived commonness. Pregnancy, labor, delivery and breastfeeding are concealed as far as their full drama and their full glory are concerned. The sacrifice of blood and water--- sometimes even the very sacrifice of life itself by the caretaker of light-- is usually not seen by the family or the community, but rather by a birth professional- a doctor or a midwife.

... We no longer see the drama and we value less the gateway and the sacrifice that brought us here. Even the caretakers of light themselves begin to view their works as mothers as ordinary, menial and dirty instead of the glorious stewardship it really is. Only young children seem to recognize the importance of the work of the caretakers of light and reward it with complete devotion." (pg, 149)

Women's stewardship over the gateway of life and their roles as mothers is not less important in the plan of salvation than the priesthood ordinance work men do. God has given both men and women great gifts and powers which must be respected and used with wisdom and righteousness. I believe that how women birth and how children come into this world matters deeply to God. I feel that He expects the processes of conception, pregnancy and birth to be treated with the same type of reverence and faith with which we approach priesthood ordinances. I also believe that He expects women to protect their wombs, honor their ability to give life, and to participate in cultural and medical practices which bear witness to the divinity and power of women's bodies and the birth process.

God has different plans for each of His children and each is a unique spirit so it makes sense that each child's birth will be different, each woman's body will be different, and every situation will be different. Yet no matter what the situation women can counsel with God and receive direct revelation concerning their bodies, their pregnancy, their labor and their birth. There are numerous examples of women in the scripture who turned to God to understand how, when and why they were going to give birth and God answered them with direct revelation. These birth stories are some of the few examples we have of women receiving personal and direct revelation from God. I believe that they teach us that God is very interested in birth and in the experiences women have while giving birth.

I also know from my own experience birthing my children that no child comes into this world unaccompanied and that God sends angels to be with them as they enter this world. I also know that God sends angels to laboring women to help them as they birth His children into the light of the world. The veil is thin for a woman in labor and if she is listening she is able to feel the power of God in an incredibly powerful way. For a few hours she becomes a wide open portal into heaven, foreordained from the foundations of the world to bring the children of heaven into this mortal world. What a great blessing it is that God has such faith in His daughters to entrust them with such a great power! It is just another testament to me that God loves His daughters just as much as He loves His sons and that they both have divine gifts which make His work possible.

This post was originally entitled "The Importance of Birth" and if you'd like to read the original post and the original comments you can go here.

You Better Not Mess With Me... I Have a Powerful Allie

This message has already been circulating around on the "mommy blogs" I read and I was surprised when at least three or four of the women who posted it on their blog talked about how inadequate they felt as mothers.

Maybe it is because growing up I never wanted to be a mother, and so I'm already exceeding my expectations, but it surprised me that all these women, who in my eyes, are all exceptional mothers felt like they were falling short. I struggle a lot in my motherhood because it doesn't come natural for me-- I'm selfish, impatient, I have a temper, most days I forget to brush Asher's hair, when we go places my children are always out of control, I haven't mopped my kitchen floor in over a month (it is true), and I know my kids spend way too much time in front of the TV. Yet, I've never felt like I am falling short. I feel like God and my children know that I am learning and trying to do the best I can. In the end, I'm grateful that children (and God) are so willing to forgive and forget.

The thing I liked most about Elder Holland's talk was that he reminded me that my motherhood is a partnership with God. That gives me the chills to think about. How powerful to know that because I am doing His work God is my partner in giving life to and in raising my children. I know that in every decision that I make about motherhood-- starting with who to marry and make the father of my children, to where and how I should bring my children into the world, to how to nurture and admonish them, to how to prepare them for their eternal missions... God is my partner and I can turn to Him for power, direction, inspiration, and guidance.

I know that I've really benefited from reading the wonderful blog "Asking Jane" written by an LDS mother of 11 children. She is absolutely amazing and she constantly reminds me that motherhood is a spiritual calling and that I should rely more on God, the scriptures, and personal revelation for parenting advice than on books or next door neighbors (even though I have great neighbors ;). I love what she said on her interview with Bloom:

"In the end, I just did my best. I didn’t schedule time with each child. I absolutely loved spending time with my children. I genuinely did—so I think that for the most part, it just happened. I know it sounds unbelievable but I never really needed to get away. I loved taking one or two with me everywhere. I loved getting them in bed with me at night and reading. I couldn’t wait til they came home from school. I loved summer. They really had my whole heart and usually, that was enough."

It is that last part, "they really had my whole heart and usually, that was enough" that has really impacted me. I realize that the most important thing I can do for my children is 1) give them life and 2) love them with my whole heart, unconditionally... and that is really enough.

Do you notice that Asher's underwear is on backwards? He put it on himself and was so proud I didn't have the heart to tell him.

So Satan... just warning you but... you better not mess with me because, even though I make a lot of mistakes, I have the Omnipotent, Creator, and Lord of the Universe on my side! Ha, take that!

Modern Dancing

For the last few months I've been going to a modern dance class once a week. It makes my body so sore but my heart and spirit so happy.

I danced ballet and jazz when I was younger but when I was about 12 my dance teacher died of a brain aneurysm. It was traumatic for me and I stopped dancing. My mom tried to get me back into a ballet class, but at 14 I was way too self-conscious about my body to go anywhere in pink tights and a leotard. It wasn't until my sophomore year in college that I got up the nerve to take a ballet class. I worked really hard and by the end of the year I had reached my childhood goal of "going on point". I discovered that I was really, really bad at dancing on toe shoes...and that ballet wasn't really my strong point (no pun intended ;).

Then in my junior of college year I discovered Modern Dance and fell in love with it. I think that if I had discovered Modern Dance my freshman or sophomore year of college I would have majored in it. I loved it that much. I still kind of wish that I had majored in Dance Education. Oh well.

What I love about modern dance is that it is all about individuality and creativity. It doesn't matter what type or size of body you have, how well you can do the steps, or how strong or flexible you are. Sure those things help make you a better dancer, but what really matters is that you discover the connection between your body and your soul and are willing to share it with others. I think the scripture in D&C 88:15 explains this concept by saying," And the spirit and the body are the soul of man". I think that is what makes dance such a powerful medium. It is the only art form where the artist is able to share not only their spirit with you, but also their body... and when those two are complete unified it is the most beautiful form of art because you get a glimpse into the soul of that person.

Dancing makes me feel better about myself and my body in a way that no other exercise or activity does. I once heard someone in church say that a God (I add in a Goddess) is a man (or woman) who is in perfect control of his (or her) body. That rings true to my soul and when I dance I feel my complete self; my whole being feels merged---my mind is connected to my body, my body is connected to my soul, and my soul is connected to my mind. It is a powerful feeling and one that only comes when my body and spirit have pushed themselves to their utmost physical and spiritual limits-- then in my exhaustion, my rhythm and my creativity I feel like my soul begins to shine and I get a glimpse of who I really am. I love it... it's an addicting feeling.

I guess that sounds a little strange... but if you've ever experienced that complete merging of your body and spirit (whether through running, sports, childbirth, intimacy, or experiencing nature) then you know what I'm talking about.

I hope I never stop dancing. I'd love to be one of those 75 year old women who is still moving, and by then I hope my body and mind will be very merged and that I'll have a powerful soul that I am in perfect control of.

Just for your enjoyment here is a video of my last modern dance final in college. It was a choreography class and I got to make up the movement. Jon and I had only been married for a few months and it was so much fun to work on this together. A few weeks ago we thought we'd try to see if we could still do the the "lifty whirly move" that we do here... we can't. After two babies my abs are definitely not as strong as they once were... I guess I'll have to work on that.
Also, remember this is modern dance... that means that you don't need to have music (you might want to turn your volume up so you can hear what we say) and it is all about creativity, movement, and relationships between people and not just looking pretty.

My favorite part is the "passion drive" part-- where I get to throw a tantrum. That sort of movement feels so good sometimes.

Leprosy

I didn't have a single pimple until I was senior in High School. All those years of Jr. High and High School I counted my lucky stars and inwardly gloated at all the other adolescents whose faces broke out like patches of raspberries. Yet I guess I got punished for my teenage cockiness because I started to get bad acne when I was a sophomore in college. Over the last several years my face has gone through various stages of better, almost better, semi-horrible, and time to wear a paper bag over your head horrible. Currently I'm approaching the bag over my head stage and I have "leprosy" all over my face. It is painful, blotchy, red and ugly and I hate it.

I've really been struggling with this lately and sometimes it wears on my soul. I know that I shouldn't let it bother me as much as it does, but I can't help but notice other women's beautiful, clear, even colored skin. It makes me want to scream when I hear them complaining about having one or two zits. I wish sometimes they could understand how lucky they are...that they don't have days when they can't kiss their children because their face is too painful or won't use public restrooms because it means they'd have to look at themselves in the large, brightly lit mirror. I would trade them in a heart beat.

I think what is hardest about my "leprosy" is that I am embarrassed to have it at this stage of my life. Acne is something for Jr. High kids and teenagers, not adult women who have two children and a husband. I'm sure it bothers me more than anyone else and I know Jon doesn't care. Once, when we were dating, I asked him if my acne bothered him or if he was embarrassed by it. He looked at me with a confused look and asked, "What acne?". I could tell he wasn't pretending. He honestly had never noticed, even though it was really bad at the time, and didn't know what I was making a big deal about. He told me that even if I really did get leprosy (the real type) one day and my face was covered in boils and my nose fell off, he would still think I was beautiful. I knew then that I could love him forever.

I guess in a way my "leprosy" has also been a bit of a blessing because it has really humbled me and given my sympathy for other people. I have to admit that I was quite the vain teenager and was really judgmental about other people's looks. Now I am quite the opposite. Whenever I see anyone with some sort of physical defect or malady, whether it be acne, scars, extra weight, facial hair, or whatever... instead of judging I feel sympathy. I know what it feels like to cringe when you look in the mirror....to meet someone new and feel like the only thing that they notice about you is your flaws.... and to have those days when you wish that it was realistic for you to wear a paper bag over your head and not crash your car.

I realize that there are LOTS of people who have to deal with much worse things... but still I struggle with it. I've tried lots of different methods and nothing has really helped. Large doses of daily antibiotics seem to make some dent in it, but they do awful things to the rest of my body so I want to avoid that. I'd really like to find some sort of diet change, herbal or natural remedy that would work, so if you know of anything I am getting sort of desperate.

Sometimes when I start of feel bad about my face I just remember NieNie and her strength. This video made me cry, if you haven't seen it is worthwhile. I especially love the part when she says, " I am not my body." I need to remember that what my face looks like doesn't determine the quality of my soul. Gee... why is that hard to remember sometimes?

What Do You Think About Home School?

I don't necessarily agree or disagree with this cartoon, but I thought it brought up and interesting debate.
I am really interested to know people's honest opinions and experiences about how they made or are making their decision to school their children. So if this cartoon sparks something in you... please share.

Several months ago a friend invited me to go to with her to a workshop about how to home school your children. I've toyed around with the idea of home schooling my children but I've never been to dead set on it. I am a bit... okay a lot... intimidated by the idea. Yet then there is a part of me that gets so excited about it. So I went with her just to see what this home school thing is all about.

During our break I was in a group of experienced home school moms and I told them they had 5 minutes to convince me to be a home school mom. They did a pretty good job. They all spoke of how wonderful their teenagers were and how versatile they were. How they could interact really well with all sorts of people-- little children, their peers and adults-- and hadn't ever gone through the rebellious teenager phase. They also spoke about how much fun it was to home school and about what a great community of home schooling families there is in our area.Yet I think that their most convincing argument for me was:

1. Several of the moms (at least 1/3rd) had been trained as school teachers and had worked in the schools for several years. They had made the decision to home school their children because they knew that if they wanted to freedom to teach like they wanted, and if they wanted their children to get the best, absolutely the best education they would have to get it at home.
   

This argument really resonated with me as a doula because as a doula you get to see so many different ways to birth and almost all the doulas I know choose to give birth at home. I think this is because after seeing all the different possibilities for how to birth they come to realize that if they want the freedom to birth how they want then they need to have their baby at home.

There is something so innately holy and beautiful about the home and in a day in age when the family is so under attack I sort of like the idea of keeping my children tied closely to their family and to their home-- spiritually, physically and mentally.

Yet I do have some concerns about home schooling. I feel kind of strongly about public education and about making sure all children, no matter their situation, have a good education. I feel like taking my children out of public school would be a bit selfish because I could use the energy towards making public schools a good experience for all children. Also, I'm afraid of getting "mother burn out". Already, I sometimes fantasize about how nice it will be to send my children away for a good part of every day so that I have time for myself and time pursue some of my personal pursuits. Yet, then I remember that there really is no other job more important than being a mother and that the most important work I can do is to teach and lead my children to do what is good and right.

Basically.... I haven't decided on how I want to educate my children. I know I still have a couple of years before I have to make that decision, but I feel like something as important as how your kids are educated should be given a lot of thought. I think I am going to attempt a home school pre-school and see how it goes. I'll just take it one step at a time because... really, the idea of home schooling kind of scares the pants off of me. Yet then again so did the idea of having a home birth, but I conquered that one with God's help and gave birth pretty much fear free both times. I have no doubt that if God tells me that home school is what is right for my family that I will be able to do it and conquer my fears.

But... I haven't asked Him yet so I'm not quite sure what we'll do. Still I'd like to get other people's thoughts about schooling. How did you make the decision to educate your children?

If you home school your children (or are planning to) what are your reasons?

If you public school your children (or are planning to) what are your reasons?

Why I Love My Stretch Marks

Do you remember that part in Gone With the Wind when Scarlet has just had her baby and is upset because Mammy can only get her corset laced up to 21 inches instead of her pre-pregnancy 19 inches ?

Mammy tells her, "Honey child, you done had a baby. You ain't never gun a be 19 inches again."

I think those are some of the wisest words of the entire show and lately they have been circulating through my mind a lot.

My little nursling will be 7 months old soon and my body is still not back to how it was before I was pregnant with her. Even though I've been back to my original weight for a few months (breastfeeding works wonders on my metabolism) my body is still different. I'm sure you wouldn't notice anything by looking at me, but I've lived in my body for a quarter of century and I can tell you that things aren't the same as before-- my hips are wider, my chest is a bit more saggy, my core muscles aren't quite as tight, and I have six purple marks on my side that remind me my belly really can stretch to an unfathomable size.

I just have to keep telling myself, "Heather child, you done had two babies. Your body ain't never gun a be the same again."

It has taken me awhile to come to terms with it, but it is true. No matter how hard I try my body is never gone to be the same as it was before I had my children. My children are literally parts of myself and they exist because my body sacrificed blood, cells, calcium, iron and millions of other particles to make them. I am literally missing pieces of my body that I will never be able to get back because they are now walking, talking, breathing, laughing, crying, and living in the form of two beautiful children. Becoming a mother, even if you don't physically give birth to a child, requires a huge sacrifice from your body and spirit. It is a sacrifice, that according to Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the First Quorum of the Seventy and his wife Marie K. Hafen, greatly parallels the sacrifice made by our Savior, they said:

"Just as a mother's body may be permanently marked with the signs of pregnancy and childbirth, [the Savior] said, 'I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands' (1 Ne. 21:15–16). For both a mother and the Savior, those marks memorialize a wrenching sacrifice--the sacrifice of begetting life--for her, physical birth; for him, spiritual rebirth" ("'Eve Heard All These Things and Was Glad': Grace and Learning by Experience," in Dawn Hall Anderson and Susette Fletcher Green, eds.,Women in the Covenant of Grace: Talks Selected from the 1993 Women's Conference [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1994], p. 29)."

I gives me strength to remember that just as Christ bears marks in his hands, feet and side as symbols of his blood sacrifice; I too have stretch marks on my side that bear testimony to my sacrifice of blood and my willingness to bring life into the world. I find strength to go forward with my mothering by remembering that just as Christ's body was resurrected, making him complete physically and spiritually, that my body is constantly renewing itself and that one day I too will be complete, physically and spiritually. I also know that my joy is more full because of my children and that because of the sacrifice my body has made life will go forward and my family will go on eternally.

So for all the mothers our there I want to remind you to rejoice in your stretch marks, to be grateful for your extra weight and wider hips, to accept your c-section scar, and to find joy in the tired bags under your eyes because they are symbols of your sacrifice.

For all you who have yet to become mothers I want to remind you to rejoice in the blood you shed each month because it is a beautiful symbol of hope and it bears testimony to the promise of continuing life.

And for all you women who are struggling with loving and accepting your body I want to remind you that anything or anyone that belittles, exploits, demeans, or mistrusts your body is not from God. Your body is beautiful, mind boggling amazing, and so deeply symbolic of Christ. Also, remember that in the eternal scheme of things-- frankly my dear, no one will give a damn if you had a 19 inch waist or not. If you are shocked by my swearing, you need to watch the end of Gone with the Wind :)

New Year Miracles

I don't really like making New Year resolutions. Unless they are something I've already been working on I never remember to do them. They just don't work for me.

Instead Jon and I write down New Year's miracles. Each New Year we write down three or four things that we'd like to see happen during the next year. They are always things that at the time seem utterly and completely impossible, things that if they really were to happen would indeed be miracles. Sometimes we ask for miracles for ourselves but usually we ask for miracles to happen to people we care deeply about. Since they are things near and dear to our heart it isn't hard to think about them often and to offer up silent and vocal prayers for them.

Last year I wrote down four miracles, things that I was sure weren't going to happen that year but which my heart yearned for desperately. I can bear strong testimony that God is still a God of miracles because one of my "impossible" things was answered directly this year, another was answered in a round about way, and one the miracles I prayed for two years ago was answered this year. I've noticed that sometimes God doesn't always perform the miracle in the year I pray for it but I've come to trust in God's timing and wisdom. I know that the other two miracles I prayed for in 2009 will someday be answered in His own time and His own way.

Perhaps these "impossible" things would still would have happened if I hadn't been praying for them to happen, but then they wouldn't have been miracles. Miracles are things that need to be asked for... they take faith. Jesus never performed a miracle unless someone specifically sought him out and asked for it. They demonstrated their faith in His power by being humble enough to ask Him for the miracle they wanted, whether it was for themselves or someone they loved. If we want to see miracles we have to have the faith to ask for them.

I am asking for some pretty impossible things this year. Part of my heart doubts that there is anyway they will be able to happen, but the other part of my heart is full of faith in God. I know that with Him nothing is impossible... even miracles.

I just recently shared this tradition with a friend and she directed me to an incredible story written by Elder Boyd K. Packer in which he and his wife had a similar experience making New Year "miracles". I didn't know about this story when Jon and I start our tradition and it just strengthens my testimony of miracles.

How Holy is the Sabbath Day?

I am really proud of my husband.

He spent all of last semester working on a design competition with several other students at his University. The project wasn't for any of his classes, it was something he took on in addition to his regular school work and his graduate research. He and his teammates worked really hard on their project and as a result they won the State design competition and got to go to Florida to compete in the National competition--- all expenses paid. Jon was thrilled.

A few months later I checked "Chariots of Fire" out from the library and Jon and I watched it one Friday evening. The movie is about Eric Liddell, the "Flying Scotsman", who refused to run the 100 meter dash (the one everyone thought he would win) in the 1924 Paris Olympics because it was scheduled on Sunday. Liddell was a committed Christian and refused to run on the Sabbath despite the pressure he got to do so. Instead he ran the 400 meter, one of his worst events. Right before he ran it one of his American competitors came up and put a paper in his hand with 1 Samuel 2:30 on it which said, "Those who honor me, I will honor". He ran with that paper in his hand and... well... I won't ruin the ending for you.

This story really impressed Jon and I and made us re-evaluate our dedication to our own beliefs and faith. Would we have been able to do what Liddell did?

Then just a few days after we watched the movie, Jon was looking up the schedule for the conference he was going to attend to find out when he would be presenting his design... it was scheduled for Sunday.

He turned to me and said, "Heather, I can't do it. I really can't present on Sunday."

Me, being the supportive and righteous wife that I am, said, "Well, why not! God won't mind this one time. You've worked so hard and you deserve to do this."

But he stuck to what he knew was right. He told his teammates (all of them are also Mormons) that he couldn't present on Sunday. They were understanding and said that they would present for him. But they felt that since he had put so much work in to it that he still deserved to attend the conference. So, we went to Florida and he didn't present on Sunday, instead we went to visit his aunt and uncle. I kept hoping that maybe because he had made such a big sacrifice that God would bless his team and they would win.... didn't happen... but they still did a really good job. Later Jon had the opportunity to meet the president of the organization and told her that next year they shouldn't have the student competitions on Sunday. She said she'd think about it.

I really admire my husband's decision to keep the Sabbath day holy because, if the truth be known, if I had been in his position... I would have presented on Sunday.

It makes me feel sort of bad to admit this, but I probably would not have given the fact that the presentation was on Sunday a second thought. I would have easily justified it... I'm on vacation... I've worked so hard... It isn't that big of a deal... God won't mind this one time... Everyone else is going to do it and they are Mormons too.

But watching my husband stand his ground, especially when all the others on his team were of the same faith, really made me re-evaluate my feeling about the Sabbath day.

Do I really understand why God ask us to keep the Sabbath day holy?

How "holy" does he expect us to keep it? Is it up for personal interpretation?

How do you stand up for what is right, when everyone else is of the same faith as you, without sounding "self righteous"?

These are the questions that have been floating around in my mind, and I am still searching for answers.

What do you think?

What has been your experience?

Would you have presented?

If Only She Could Speak

What do you dream about little girl?

How much do you remember of your life before you came to me?

Do you see angels?

Who were you in the pre-existence?

What type of woman are you going to become?

Can you remember what God looks like?

Because sometimes when I look at you little girl
... I get a glimpse...
and I can almost remember.

Generations Within

This is part of what Liz, my cousin who gave the Mother Shower for me, wrote in her letter to me for the mother shower-- I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it!

"Did you know that you lived in your grandmother? The ovum in your mother's body, which ultimately became you, was formed and waiting inside your mother as she grew in her mother's womb. And Baby Bird's eggs, which may someday become her own children, lie in wait inside her, inside you, at this very moment. You carry generations within you! No other time in life is this phenomenon recreated, and it is such a powerful facet of the mother-daughter relationship. Just as your mother and grandmother before you, you have formed new links in an unbroken chain, a legacy of the powerful forces of nature and womanhood, creating, sustenance, protection, guidance and a bond of love too strong to sever."

I've been thinking about what Liz wrote for the last week and just can't quite seem to get over how beautiful and amazing the whole idea of carrying generations within me is. What a humbling thought to think that at this very moment I am not only carrying within me my daughter, but also the "blueprint" for my granddaughter and all the other women that will spring from her. I am carrying a little part of eternity inside of me. Can I be honest and say that the thought blows my mind! As hard as I try I can't quite get my mind wrapped around what an incredible miracle life is and how gracious God is to let us be a part of it.

Women are truly amazing and it breaks my heart to think that there are places in the world where little girls are unwanted and are aborted or killed just because they are girls. One of my college roommates just recently returned home from living in China for a year with her husband and two year old daughter. While they were there she became pregnant and when she and her husband went to get an ultrasound done they had to get special permission from a doctor for the nurses to be able to tell them the sex of the baby. This is because in China it is illegal for care providers to tell a couple the sex of the baby because too many people will abort the baby if they find out it is a girl. For some families the birth of a little girl isn't something to be celebrated or excited about because girls aren't seen as valuable assets. This is because a girl won't contribute financially to the family like a boy will or because, in a culture where only one child is allowed, some people would just rather have a boy than a girl. I'm not making a critique of Chinese culture-- because in all honesty I wonder if Americans were able to choose between having only a son or a daughter which one most people would choose-- but I am lamenting the fact that in many places in the world women, and their divine abilities to bring physical life, are not appreciated or respected.

I can't help but feel that if we, as a world, really understood the miracle and value of life that our attitude and treatment of women would be incredibly different. If our world really valued life above all else-- above land, above riches, above power, above self-- there would never be a woman who was aborted, killed, unwanted, or abused. Each person would be valued not only for who they are individually but also for the generations, yet unborn, that each human being (female and male) carries within them. In such a world marriage would be seen as being THE most important individual and societal goal because it would ensure that those future generations would be protected, wanted, and loved. And a woman's position within one of those marriages would be one of great respect and honor because of her divine role as a nurturer and co-creator of physical life.

I know that I personally can not change the entire world, but it gives me hope that as a mother I will be able to teach both my children to understand the supreme value of life and respect their roles as stewards of that life. I want them to understand that they are so much more than just "themselves" because within their bodies lie the seeds of future generations. It is really my hope that through our children Jon and I can start a legacy of love, peace, respect, and righteousness that will be carried on through the posterity that even now is growing beneath my heart.

Basketball Madness... nature or nurture?

So I've mentioned this before, but my little boy is OBSESSED with basketball... completely. I would guess that he says the word "basketball" at least 30 times a day and that a good portion of his day in occupied in finding, throwing, kicking, shooting, and carrying some sort of ball. Just a few weeks ago we made the HUGE mistake of showing him basketball videos on the computer. Now whenever anyone gets on the computer he throws a royal tantrum until you go to YouTube and turn on a basketball video. I'm sure if we let him he could watch basketball for hours. Crazy kid.

I thought that when he first started getting interested in balls, about 6-7 months old, that it was just a developmental stage, but I've long since realized that this is one stage I don't think he is going to grow out of anytime soon. In fact, I have the eerie suspicion that in a few years I am going to be spending a lot of time at ball games... which I don't mind too much as long as he doesn't take to liking football... not my favorite.

As I've watched my little boy develop such a love and interest in basketball I've found myself going back to the age old question of "Is it nature or is it nurture?" Is my little boy's obsession with basketball a result of how he has been socialized or is there something innate within him that drives his interest. Perhaps it is because I spent too much time studying gender behaviors in college, but I am really concerned about how I socialize my little boy. In fact, when he was little I was hesitant to put him in baby clothes that said things like "Mommy's little champ" or "#1 all-star" because I didn't want him to feel that just because he was a boy he had to like sports. It is really important to me for him to feel that he has the freedom to be whatever type of boy and man he wants to be. I don't want his perspective of what it means to be a man to be constructed by pop culture or socialized gender expectations. I'd rather that his perspective of manhood be shaped by an innate understanding that he is a child of God and that he has a divine mission to fulfill in this life, one that has nothing to do with how good he is at playing sports.

So part of me has been a little afraid as I've watched my son become more and more ball crazy, that Jon and I have already socialized him to like sports and that subconsciously we are already trying to get him to fit into classic gender stereotypes. But then again, as his mother I've witnessed almost every moment this little boy's life and have seen first hand how his "boyish" personality has developed. And while it is true that he has learned many of his behaviors from watching his Dad and other boys, I know that there is something in my little boy's soul that LOVES and YEARNS for balls. All you have to do is spend 15 minutes with this little boy to know that his interest in balls isn't something anyone taught him... he is just in love with them. Just like some little girls (not all) have an innate love for their dolls and a strong mothering instinct, this little boy has a ball instinct. Yet, this doesn't mean that he doesn't also have a nurturing instinct; there are many times when I've walked in on him giving his babies (a stuffed frog and bird) goodnight kisses, tucking them into a blanket and singing them a song. Still, as much as I encourage these type of nurturing activities and displays it still seems like he prefers rough and tumble activities; and more often I find him throwing his babies or knocking them over rather than playing soft with them. Sigh...

Who knows, perhaps this basketball madness is just a phase and he will out grow it. Then again, maybe it isn't and he really has a talent for it. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I've decided that boys are just different than girls, and I'll just have to get use to that-- plain and simple.

Soak it All Up and Store it for Later

Lately I've been feeling a great sense of loss. I feel like life is passing by so fast and that time with my little boy is slipping away quicker than I ever imagined it would. I can hardly believe how grown up he is and that soon he is going to be two years old. Not long ago I was reading through some of my past posts and I stumbled across this one that I wrote when Asher was 6 months old. In it I wrote down some of the things I didn't want to forget, and I am really glad that I did because I've already forgotten a lot of what I said I didn't want to forget! This forgetting makes me sad and it makes me wish that I could somehow remember EVERY day and EVERY minute I have with this precious little boy. I know that as he gets older I will have more and more wonderful moments with him, but it is hard to let these moments slip by and not mourn the fact that I will never be able to have them back again. In order to appease this feeling of immense loss I've found myself becoming a little obsessive with the video and film cameras, feeling like I have to document every thing we do and every where we go so that I won't forget about it.

Yet the other day, after trying unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to get a good picture of him checking out the pigs at the County Fair, I realized that in my attempt to make sure I would REMEMBER the moment, I was MISSING the moment. I realized that I wasn't taking the time to enjoy my son or to help him discover something new. So I put my camera in my bag and vowed that for the rest of the evening I would BE with my son, DISCOVER with my son, and ENJOY the moment with my son and you know what... I think that those are the things I am going to remember. Even without my fifteen horrible pictures of him trying to pet a pig, I think that my soul will always remember what it felt like to laugh as I watched him run up and down the stalls squealing and "talking" with the pigs.

This is the best picture I was able to get-- sad huh? Maybe I just need a fancier camera ;)

I've realized that while pictures and videos are wonderful and do a lot to help remind us of certain times, they are poor substitutes for the real memories. Real memories come complete with with emotions, feelings, squeals, kisses, hugs and laughter and are only made when we take time to stop and enjoy the moment. The things that we will really remember, the things that will impress themselves deep upon our souls and our minds are the things that we slow down and take time to soak up into our souls. In fact, I think our souls are much like sponges-- infinite, eternal sponges with no end to how much they can hold. It is just up to us to decide what it is we immerse ourselves in and what it is we choose to soak up into our souls.

I also believe that after we die we will have a perfect recollection of our life here on this earth, including all our thoughts, memories, emotions, and knowledge that we gained while on this earth. It gives me great comfort to know that even though a moment may be lost from my immediate recollection that someday I will have a PERFECT recollection of every moment I spend with my son. I will be able to remember exactly what it feels like to wake up in the morning and have his smiling little face pressed up against mine, I will be able to remember exactly how he roared (yes, roared) when he finally climbed to the top of the slide by himself, and I will remember exactly how much this little boy loves me and how much joy he brings into my life. It has all been soaked up and is stored in my soul... waiting for eternity.

Life Just Isn't Fair

I don't really know what to say in this post, but I just need to write something down-- blog therapy or something like that. On Monday I attended the funeral of a woman in our church who passed away from cancer and then on Wednesday I attended the funeral of one of my best friends husbands who died in a motorcycle accident last week. Needless to say it has been an emotionally draining week for me.

While both funerals were sad because both people were WAY too young to die and were WAY too full of life, I have been having a really hard time dealing with my friend's husband dying so suddenly. She and her husband were high school sweethearts (they started dating our junior year) and they had only been married for five years. He left her with two little boys under the age of 4 and she is pregnant with their third child. I just doesn't seem fair that he was taken from her when she needs him SO much! My heart just aches and aches for her and I feel so bad that my life is going on normally while EVERYTHING has changed for her. It seems like this much grief and sorrow should just make the whole world stop, but it doesn't.

I'm a grown up enough of a girl to realized that life just isn't fair and that sometimes God allows bad things to happen to good people. but I am having a hard time seeing what it is that we are suppose to learn from a tragedy like this. Perhaps... that life is fragile, that life is way too short, that we need to be grateful for every moment we are granted, that we need to tell and show people we love them EVERY chance we get, that families are eternal, that the soul continues on after this life, that angels are with us always...

I think it has been especially hard for me, being so filled with a new life inside of me, to face so much death. And while I realize that death is not to be feared because life is eternal and that we will get to see our loved ones again someday, it is still hard to know that we don't have control and that sometimes things just aren't fair. I trust God and I trust his ways, but sometimes it is just downright HARD to have faith and find peace. Yet I do know that through Christ all sorrows can be healed and that true and lasting peace can be found.. and I believe in miracles. So if you happen to know this dear friend that I am talking about (and even if you don't) keep her in your prayers or in your heart because I know that the miracle of healing CAN come for her, for her family, and for everyone who loves them. It is just hard that sometimes the best people are the ones who have to suffer.

Not Another Sad Post... I Promise

After posting two sad and disheartened posts in a row I figure I better try to redeem myself so that you don't all think I've sunk into the depths of despair. I haven't, it is just that it has been a really hard and disappointing week. Sometimes those weeks happen and I've decided that when they do it is okay to be sad for awhile. But I am feeling better already and really, overall, I feel blessed and have learned some valuable life lessons. I can't really put into one simple concise sentence the lessons I've learned this week, but I want to try to put it into words somehow... so here I go...

Life Lesson #1

I feel a little silly that I've been so emotional and sentimental about my chickens, because really they are just chickens and can be replaced fairly easily. But I've noticed that when I am pregnant any form of life seems so much more precious to me. There is something about carrying a new life that makes me appreciate and value life, in all its forms, so much more. Having this little girl inside of me makes me look at the world with different eyes, and I find myself so much more full of love for all living things. I think this is why loosing our chickens last week has been so hard on me. Life just seems more precious now than ever before, and I realize how fragile and fleeting it is.

Yet, I've also realized that no sorrow lasts forever and that there are ALWAYS new beginnings. This quote from Elder Wirthlin's last General Conference talk has continuously been on my mind. He said:

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude. "

I realize that life will always go forward and that there will always be new joys. We may not be able to have exactly what we had before, and it is okay to mourn for that loss, but God will always help us find a way to heal our hearts and to be at peace.

But I have four NEW little chicken ladies, which have gone a long way to heal my heart again! Last week I found a lady who was selling her year old hens and who happened to have the EXACT same breeds as the ones we lost. So we got half back of what we had before. They are older and are already laying eggs. We like to think that they are just our chickens but grown up-- really fast. We've taken extra precautions to keep them safe from raccoons and Jon is working on a super duper new chicken run and coop. I think I am also going to get some more chicks from the farm store this week--- and they are going to be Silkies! (These aren't my birds, but I like pictures of Silkies so I thought I'd put it up :)

So, see... there are always new joys to be found in life.

Life Lesson #2

I've learned that things can ALWAYS be worse than they are, and that when hard things happen I need to learn to look for the good that comes from them. Even though it has been really painful and really hard to have this broken foot, I find myself grateful every minute that it was me and not my little boy who got stuck under the beam. It really gives me nightmares to think about how close he came being crippled or crushed by the beam. It doesn't make sense to me that it didn't tip over on him because I barely moved the beam and it fell, while he had been climbing all over them that morning. God really is merciful and so despite my pain I am filled with gratitude.

I've also been SO humbled and grateful for the wonderful people in our church who have reached out to me with sympathy (I've had 3 other women come up and tell me that they also broke their foot when they were pregnant and that they could sympathize with me-- I guess it is more common that I would have thought!) , with offers to watch my son, to help me around the house, to bring me dinner, or to just come over and sit with me for awhile. Being on the receiving end of so much love and kindness makes me want to be a better friend and neighbor. I think it will be harder now to justify not taking someone a meal or not visiting them or not offering to help when I feel prompted. Because now I realize HOW much it is appreciated and HOW much someone might need help, even if they don't ask you for it. I feel blessed to have so much support around me.

So overall I am doing fine and am sort of enjoying being able to slow down for a little while. I'm praying that my foot heals fast and that I won't have to be on crutches too long. The doctor told me that if I am good and stay off it I might be able to walk on it in 3 weeks. Even though this is frustrating I've decided to have a positive attitude about it and to make the most out of what God wants me to learn at this time in my life. Thank you for all your kind words of support, it means a lot to me... oh, and stay away from raccoons and I-beams!

Thinking about Cloth

The great thing about our old house is that all the old people in our neighborhood can tell us the history of the people who have lived in our house. Our house is almost 100 years old, it was built in 1916 by Scandinavian immigrants, and we keep finding new treasures about it all the time. Just a few days ago the man who lives next door told us that the family used to have their own garbage pit in the back yard where they put all their household trash. At first I thought GROSS! You mean they had a mini-dump back here! But then as I thought about it I realized that families, especially farming families, in the early 20th century didn't produce a lot of household trash. Most families at the time would have had their own trash pits, because there just wasn't enough "trash" to even bother with having the city come pick it up.

This really got me thinking.

Yesterday as I was taking out a bag of trash to our garbage can. I realized that our little family of 3 produces a TON of trash, literally. We don't really realize it because the city comes and picks it up once a week and hauls it off to some place we never have to look at. But what if I did have to look at it everyday? What if for some reason I had to dispose of my own household trash in my own backyard, like the family who lived here 100 years ago did? I realized that we would be swimming in trash! It wouldn't take us very long to fill up our backyard with all the packaging, paper, and diapers we dispose of each day. Ugg. I realized that just because I don't have to see the trash doesn't mean that it doesn't exist and that it isn't polluting my community. Even though the dump is miles away from my house it is still my "backyard" and I have a responsibility to minimize what I throw in it.

Thinking about how little the family who lived here 100 years ago wasted and polluted made me reevaluate my own personal habits. I've decided that I am REALLY going to try and limit the number of packaged or disposal items I use. The more things I can reuse is one more thing that won't get piled up in my "backyard" or won't cost extra money to recycle. I know this is going to be harder than I think, but I really feel that it is important. Besides, I think it is just a smart way to live, and the way the God has been asking his Saints to live for the last 60 years. Prophet after prophet has warned us and counseled us to grow our own gardens, to live providently, to have food storage, and to learn basic living skills. I've decided it is time that I really start listening and making changes in my life. These are some of the ways that I am going to try to be more self-reliant and be a better steward of the earth:

1. Cloth diapers. I've gone back and forth on this one because it just seems intimidating to me. But I've been doing a lot of research and talking to a lot of people about them and I am starting to get really excited about the idea! They really don't seem like as much work as I initially thought-- in fact most mom's I've talked to say they are just as easy as disposables. And after taking Asher's 5th dirty diaper out to the trash yesterday I decided that if I had to pile up all his dirty diapers in my backyard I would be SO grossed out. Much better to have something I can wash and reuse. Also, I am going to have 2 babies in diapers soon and cloth diapers just seem to make more sense from a financial standpoint. I'll let you know how it turns out.
   
2. Bottle and preserve my own food. I have over 200 bottles that I got from Jon's grandma that are waiting empty in my basement. My goal this summer is to fill them up with apricot jam, apricots, pears, pear butter, pear sauce, applesauce, salsa, plum syrup, pickles, peaches, and anything else I can get my hands on. Yep-- lots of work, but I actually REALLY enjoy canning. I think food tastes better when you've gone through the work of "putting it up."
   
3. Have chickens. The fact that they lay eggs is just a bonus to me. I think I'd like having them even if they didn't.
   
4. Grow a garden. Check. Started on this one.
   
5. Learn to make homemade foods-- like bread (which I am getting MUCH better at), tortillas, tortillas chips, ketchup, mayonnaise, salad dressing, etc...

This is a start. I know it will take practice but it should be a lot of fun! It is exciting to me to think I can start living more like the family who lived here 100 years ago did. And you know what, I don't think it is going to be as challenging as I think-- just full of rewards!

I'd love to know what things you and your family do to help save money, live more providently and to care for the earth!