Little Toot

Did you ever see this show when you were little?

If you haven't it is really wonderful. My brother and I use to watch this show ad nausm when we were younger. We loved it.

I'd almost forgotten about it until I found a copy of "Melody Time" at the library and checked it out for Asher to watch. It is a collection of a bunch of little stories-- Johnny Appleseed, Pecos Bill, the Flight of the Bumble Bee, Little Toot-- all strung together with great music. Asher absolutely loved it, especially the "Little Toot" story. We watched it over and over and over again.

I took the movie back to the library months ago but Asher still loves to sing the Little Toot song and lately has been building little toots out of his blocks.

Can you see how he put a little block on top of the other to make the smoke stack?
You have to use your imagination a little.

One night he made a whole fleet of them.

Then a few weeks later he drew Little Toots all over the back patio with sidewalk chalk.

At first I couldn't tell what he was drawing. They just looked like circles with sticks in them to me. But then he expalined they were his Little Toots and the I could see that they were really ships with smoke stacks coming out the top.



Do you see it?

What a goof.

I Guess I Am Really Insecure...

... because no one left a comment on my last post, and while usually my psyche is just fine if no one leaves a comment on a post, this post took so much of me to write that this time my brain started to circulate these kind of thoughts...

It was too long,

No one read it,

It was poorly written,

I confused them,

They hated it but don't know how to tell me nicely,

They think I'm weird,

No one cared,

I shouldn't blog,

Wah, wah!

Okay, so I know that is a total over reaction but it kind of broke my little blogger heart (just a litte... don't feel guilty) because I was really looking forward to hearing what people thought about my post. Even mean comments would have been better than no comments. Okay I take that back, mean comments would have been worse. So I guess if you were going to leave one and then refrained... thank you.

I feel like it is so important for you all my readers to understand this part of me or else the rest of what I write on this blog won't mean quite as much. I'm not saying it is the --absolute carved in stone truth to end all truth-- but it is how I see the world and eternity at this point in my life and I am constantly open to learning more. Please realize they are just ideas and I'm not trying to pass it off as hard doctrine. I think that this quote from LeGrand Richard’s A
Marvelous Work and a Wonder (pg. 415) explains well how I feel.

“ The man who has a certain religious belief and fears to discus it, lest it may be proved wrong, is not loyal to his belief; he has but a coward’s faithfulness to his prejudices. If he were a lover of truth, he would be wiling at any moment to surrender his belief for a higher, better and truer faith.” - William George Jordan.

So I know it is TOTALLY pathetic to beg for comments, but I would really love to hear what you thought about what I wrote.

Did it make you think?

Did it make you look at motherhood and birth differently?

Did it help you understand me a little better and why I feel so passionate about birth and motherhood?

Did it help you understand that I don't care how women birth but that I see birth, in every way as a mircale and a gift from God?

Do you think I'm a total nut job?

This is Where My Passion Comes From

I quite often get asked why I am so passionate about birth. I've thought a lot about this, trust me, and it is very complicated answer. It isn't something that is easy for me to explain. Yet seeing as I've written a lot about birth on this blog, and probably will write more in the future, I feel like it is important for me to share where the source of my beliefs about pregnancy and birth originate. Perhaps in understanding my basic paradigm for how I construct my view of womanhood and motherhood it will help you understand why I've made the choices I have and why I have such a passion for it.

I've tried to explain a bit of how I understand the importance of birth, motherhood and womanhood in a post that I originally posted on my Women in the Scriptures blog. I know that many of you don't read both my blogs... it is okay, I forgive you... and so I thought I'd re-post it here. I welcome your insights but PLEASE remember that this is a part of my heart and I ask you to handle it with care.

With that said, here is what I wrote:

As I delve into this topic I first need apologize to those of you who aren't LDS or who aren't familiar with LDS doctrine. This piece is written for an LDS audience and it is too hard, and would take way too long, for me to explain all the concepts I refer to. I don't think that this means if you aren't LDS you won't be enlightened by what I have to say, it just might be a little confusing for you. Please feel free to email me with any of your questions or you can visit this website to learn more about LDS beliefs. Also PLEASE realize that the ideas expressed here are my own personal opinions and not official doctrine of the LDS church.

One of the things I've noticed as I've studied the scriptures is that birth is an over arching theme in the stories of the women in the scriptures. A good portion of the stories about women in the scriptures center around women's ability to bear, or inability to bear, children.

Personally, the births of my children have been incredible spiritual experiences for me and have completely changed my outlook on life and eternity. I've gained great spiritual strength through the birth process and a closer relationships with my Heavenly Father and Mother. As I've reflected on my own experiences and as I read about the important role birth plays in the lives of the women of the scriptures I am prompted to believe the ability to give life is a central part of what it means to be an eternal woman and that the birth process is incredibly important to God.

A friend pointed out that in the Proclamation to the Family it says, "We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed." The means by which mortal life is created is through the processes of conception, pregnancy and birth. It stands to reason that if God designed the way children are conceived to be deeply and powerfully symbolic of a man and a woman becoming "one flesh" (Genesis 2 :24) then He has also designed the way children are born into this world to be deeply and powerfully symbolic.

In order to understand the symbolism and meaning behind labor and birth, and to understand why so many of the stories of women in the scriptures center around birth, we have to go back to Eve and the Garden.

Two Trees

When God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden he planted two trees, the tree of knowledge of good and evil and the tree of life. He told Adam and Eve that there would be consequences if they ate of the tree of knowledge but ".... nevertheless, thou mayest choose for thyself, for it is given unto thee;" (Moses 3:17)

We know that Eve exercised the agency God had given her and chose to partake of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Through modern day revelation we know that what we she did was for the benefit of mankind and that by partaking of the fruit she was fulfilling her divine mission as a woman. In his talk "What It Means to Be a Daughter of God" James E. Faust said:

We all owe a great debt of gratitude to Eve... The choice was really between a continuation of their comfortable existence in Eden, where they would never progress, or a momentous exit into mortality with its opposites: pain, trials, and physical death in contrast to joy, growth, and the potential for eternal life. In contemplating this choice, we are told, “And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, … and a tree to be desired to make her wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and also gave unto her husband with her, and he did eat.” And thus began their earthly probation and parenthood. . . . If it hadn’t been for Eve, none of us would be here."

Eve was fulfilling her divine purpose when she partook of the tree of knowledge. From the foundations of the world she had been chosen and named as "the mother of all living" and she knew that in order to fulfill her mission she must partake of the fruit and become like God. She also knew that she wouldn't be able to fulfill her divine role without Adam's help and so she got Adam to partake of the fruit. The scriptures don't say she had to deceive or trick Adam into eating it, rather it seems that Adam "hearkened" unto his wife and agreed to the transgression so that Eve would be able to fulfill her divine calling.

Just as Eve was set apart to be the "mother of all living" from the foundations of the world, Adam was set apart to be the great High Priest of the earth with the responsibility to hold the keys and perform the saving ordinances that would bring the children of God back into His presence. Joseph Smith taught:

" The Priesthood is an everlasting principle, and existed with God from eternity… Christ is the Great High Priest; Adam next... the priesthood was first given to Adam; he obtained... it in the Creation, before the world was formed” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1938, pp. 157–58)

Adam hearkened first to Eve's divine mission and now, as Adam and Eve progress through their probationary time (Genesis 3: 22, 24), it is Eve's turn to hearken to Adam. God has designed a beautiful partnership in which Adam helps Eve fulfill her mission to bring God's children into the world; after which it is Eve's turn to hearken and help Adam fulfill his mission to bring those children unto Christ, the tree of life, and back into God's presence.

I don't think that it is any coincidence that God placed two people, male and female, in the garden and also planted two trees in the garden... two people, two trees, two divine responsibilities.

Two Veils

While the trees which God planted in the Garden of Eden have multiple levels of meaning one way in which they may be interpreted is as representing the two veils that all mankind must pass through on their journey towards exaltation.

The first veil that all mankind passes through is the veil of birth in which man is born into the world by water, blood and the spirit. Women have a stewardship over this first veil. When Eve partook of the tree of knowledge she became more like God, knowing good from evil and gaining the capacity to bear children. Eve's transgression "opened the matrix", as it says in Exodus 34:19, the womb, the gateway through which the souls of all mankind would pass through into the mortal world. The only possible way to enter this mortal world is through the body of a woman and by the shedding of her blood... there is no other way.

The second veil is the one we must pass through in order to re-enter the presence of God and continue on our eternal journey. Men have a stewardship over this second veil. Just like Adam, righteous men hold the priesthood keys and administer the ordinances which help us to become clean and enable us to go back into the presence of God. Just like the first veil, the second veil requires a sacrifice of blood, water and spirit. Through His Atonement Jesus Christ performed this great and last sacrifice for all mankind. Just as women are the only gateways into the mortal world, Christ is the only gateway into the eternal world... there is no other way.

These two veils are described in Moses 6: 59 which reads:

"That by reason of transgression cometh the fall, which fall bringeth death, and inasmuch as ye were born into the world by water, and blood, and the spirit, which I have made, and so became of dust a living soul, even so ye must be born again into the kingdom of heaven, of water, and of the Spirit, and be cleansed by blood, even the blood of mine Only Begotten; that ye might be sanctified from all sin, and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world, and eternal life in the world to come, even immortal glory;"

It is also interesting to note, and personally I don't think it is any coincidence, that the mother's side of the placenta (the organ the mother's body creates to house the baby and sustain its life) looks like a tree (for a bloody picture click here and for a non-bloody picture click here). The "fruit" of this placental tree is a baby.

This is Eve's gift to us... the promise of birth. That through our mothers, the daughters of Eve, all of God's children will partake of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and literally become the fruit of that tree. Through the power of God they will be born into this world through blood, water and the spirit and will be given a probationary time. During this probationary time it is the role of mothers and fathers to help their children to become worthy to pass through the second veil, the tree of life, through the water, blood, and spirit of Jesus Christ. This is Adam's gift to us---as the High Priest of this earth acting in authority for Jesus Christ--- the promise of re-birth.

In his talk "Equality Through Diversity" Elder M. Russell Ballard explained:

Our Heavenly Father assigned different responsibilities in mortality to men and women when we lived with Him as His spirit sons and daughters. To His sons He would give the priesthood and the responsibilities of fatherhood, and to His daughters He gave the responsibilities of motherhood, each with its attendant functions.

The creation of the world, the atonement of Jesus Christ, and the restoration of the gospel in the latter days through the Prophet Joseph Smith all have one unifying purpose: to allow all of the spirit children of our Eternal Father to obtain mortal bodies, and then, through the gift of moral agency, to follow the plan of redemption made possible by the Savior’s atonement. God prepared all of this for us that we might return to our heavenly home, clothed in immortality and eternal life, to live with Him as families.

Two Divine Stewardships

I've often heard women express pain over the fact the LDS church (and most religions in general) are so male centered-- only men hold the priesthood keys, there are much fewer women in the scriptures than men, and while we know we have a Heavenly Mother we don't hear much about her. These are questions that eat away at many LDS women's (and men's) hearts and make it hard for some of them to remain true to their faith. Yet when we remember that we have already passed through the first veil and are now working towards the second veil it makes much more sense why our world is so male centered.

Besides, who knows, if we could only glimpse into the pre-mortal world and see the other side of the veil would we see a world which was very female centered because the focus is on preparing children to go through the first veil? Would we see women working with their Heavenly Mother to prepare souls of mankind to receive their mortal bodies, teaching them their pre-mortal lessons, and guiding them to their earthly homes? Maybe.

We really don't know much about the pre-mortal world. Yet one thing we do know is that before we were born we received instruction that would prepare us for our individual labors in the Lord's vineyard. In D&C 138: 56 we read about the "noble and great ones" and how, "Even before they were born, they, with many others, received their first lessons in the world of spirits and were prepared to come forth in the due time of the Lord to labor in his vineyard for the salvation of the souls of men."

Given how incredible it is that women's bodies are able to create complete human beings, without their minds directing how it will happen, it seems possible to me that part of the "first lessons" women received in the pre-mortal world was how to create bodies and how to birth them. While their mortal minds don't remember how to do it, perhaps their eternal spirits do and it is a woman's eternal soul which directs and guides her body in the construction of the baby and oversees the process of labor and birth.

We also know that in the pre-mortal existence that Satan and a third of the host of heaven rejected God's plan to come to earth and receive mortal bodies (D&C 29:36). Because they were not faithful in keeping their first estate Satan and his third are the only ones out of God's children that will never pass through the first veil; no woman will ever create a body for them or shed her blood by bearing them into the world, nor will they ever have wives or children. This is one of the reasons that many of Satan's tactics are directed at women and at the structure which protects and guards the first veil... the family. Satan is doing everything in his power to convince women that their bodies, which are the gateway through the first veil, are dirty, ugly, imperfect, dysfunctional and of no importance. He is doing everything he can to distract and confuse women so that they abandon their responsibility as the guardians of life into this world. If he can destroy women's faith in their bodies and help them lose sight of the importance of the first veil---and the power and sanctity of conception, pregnancy and birth--- then he is well on his way to thwarting God's plan.

Satan is also trying to convince women that men's stewardship over the second veil is more important than their stewardship over the first veil and their role as what Valerie Hudson Cassler calls "the caretakers of light", referring to the great work that women do as mothers towards pointing children towards the light and love of Christ. In her book "Women in Eternity, Women of Zion" Cassler says:

"... there is a sequence to the stewardships which leads to misperception of the absolute equality of the stewardship. The caretakers of light, in their work as mothers, must perform their work for an individual before the caretakers of the Word [referring to men's priesthood oridance responsibility]... Because of this fact, the full drama of the work of the caretakers of light is muted. We don't see how some accepted the offering made by the caretakers of light, and thus the sacrifice of the caretakers of light seems common. Their very sacrifice in their work as mothers is concealed because of its perceived commonness. Pregnancy, labor, delivery and breastfeeding are concealed as far as their full drama and their full glory are concerned. The sacrifice of blood and water--- sometimes even the very sacrifice of life itself by the caretaker of light-- is usually not seen by the family or the community, but rather by a birth professional- a doctor or a midwife.

... We no longer see the drama and we value less the gateway and the sacrifice that brought us here. Even the caretakers of light themselves begin to view their works as mothers as ordinary, menial and dirty instead of the glorious stewardship it really is. Only young children seem to recognize the importance of the work of the caretakers of light and reward it with complete devotion." (pg, 149)

Women's stewardship over the gateway of life and their roles as mothers is not less important in the plan of salvation than the priesthood ordinance work men do. God has given both men and women great gifts and powers which must be respected and used with wisdom and righteousness. I believe that how women birth and how children come into this world matters deeply to God. I feel that He expects the processes of conception, pregnancy and birth to be treated with the same type of reverence and faith with which we approach priesthood ordinances. I also believe that He expects women to protect their wombs, honor their ability to give life, and to participate in cultural and medical practices which bear witness to the divinity and power of women's bodies and the birth process.

God has different plans for each of His children and each is a unique spirit so it makes sense that each child's birth will be different, each woman's body will be different, and every situation will be different. Yet no matter what the situation women can counsel with God and receive direct revelation concerning their bodies, their pregnancy, their labor and their birth. There are numerous examples of women in the scripture who turned to God to understand how, when and why they were going to give birth and God answered them with direct revelation. These birth stories are some of the few examples we have of women receiving personal and direct revelation from God. I believe that they teach us that God is very interested in birth and in the experiences women have while giving birth.

I also know from my own experience birthing my children that no child comes into this world unaccompanied and that God sends angels to be with them as they enter this world. I also know that God sends angels to laboring women to help them as they birth His children into the light of the world. The veil is thin for a woman in labor and if she is listening she is able to feel the power of God in an incredibly powerful way. For a few hours she becomes a wide open portal into heaven, foreordained from the foundations of the world to bring the children of heaven into this mortal world. What a great blessing it is that God has such faith in His daughters to entrust them with such a great power! It is just another testament to me that God loves His daughters just as much as He loves His sons and that they both have divine gifts which make His work possible.

This post was originally entitled "The Importance of Birth" and if you'd like to read the original post and the original comments you can go here.

My Favorite Holiday

The 4th of July is my favorite holiday... probably because it is also my birthday.

It is seriously the absolute best day to be born.

You get a parade, fireworks, barbecues, no school, no work, people don't forget it, and it is a holiday but no one else but you gets presents!

Since the 4th of July was on Sunday it felt like my birthday went on all week! I had so many wonderful things happen I just have to give them each their time in the sun. So here they are (not in any order)...

A few months ago I mentioned to my mother -in-law that when I was little I'd always wanted one of those cakes with a Barbie in the middle. She said that she'd always wanted to make one and well... my wish came true.

I was seriously giddy like a five-year-old. I loved it... even though it felt rather morbid cutting into her.

Then Jon made me this amazingly beautiful tortilla press. It almost looks too beautiful to use. Anyone have a fantastic recipe for whole wheat tortillas?

Asher loved the sparklers... until he burnt his finger.

Asher, Rose and my niece had a blast with the sidewalk chalk. They drew more on each other and other people than the sidewalk.

I got to meet two of the girls I am working on with the book with for the first time! They are even better than in real life. We had a blast and talked birth until we were exhausted. Heavenly.

I don't have a picture of all three of us.
This is just me and Busca (her blog name). She is amazing and if you get a minute to skim over her blog, it is absolutely beautiful.

I'm not getting paid to tell you about this (darn it) but I thought I'd tell you about Lime Ricki and the amazing swim suit I just got from there for my b-day. This is just about the best swim suit I've ever had... and trust me I've owned a lot of swim suits. I was really skeptical about buying a tankini but this one is long and tight and doesn't ride up at all. I've never felt so comfortable in a swim suit before-- maybe because it is the most modest and cutest one I've ever had. Now I need to go swimming!

No this isn't me but this is the suit I got... except i got the boy shorts instead of the briefs.
It looks really old fashioned with the shorts. Ooh, I love it.

Yet I think one the best things about the week was that my mom and her husband came up to visit and on my birthday my mom told me the story of when I was born. I don't think I'd ever heard it before and it was really sweet to hear about it and think about the experience she had bringing me into the world. I need to write it down because it is something I will always treasure.

So wonderful.
Hope you had a good Independence Day!

You Better Not Mess With Me... I Have a Powerful Allie

This message has already been circulating around on the "mommy blogs" I read and I was surprised when at least three or four of the women who posted it on their blog talked about how inadequate they felt as mothers.

Maybe it is because growing up I never wanted to be a mother, and so I'm already exceeding my expectations, but it surprised me that all these women, who in my eyes, are all exceptional mothers felt like they were falling short. I struggle a lot in my motherhood because it doesn't come natural for me-- I'm selfish, impatient, I have a temper, most days I forget to brush Asher's hair, when we go places my children are always out of control, I haven't mopped my kitchen floor in over a month (it is true), and I know my kids spend way too much time in front of the TV. Yet, I've never felt like I am falling short. I feel like God and my children know that I am learning and trying to do the best I can. In the end, I'm grateful that children (and God) are so willing to forgive and forget.

The thing I liked most about Elder Holland's talk was that he reminded me that my motherhood is a partnership with God. That gives me the chills to think about. How powerful to know that because I am doing His work God is my partner in giving life to and in raising my children. I know that in every decision that I make about motherhood-- starting with who to marry and make the father of my children, to where and how I should bring my children into the world, to how to nurture and admonish them, to how to prepare them for their eternal missions... God is my partner and I can turn to Him for power, direction, inspiration, and guidance.

I know that I've really benefited from reading the wonderful blog "Asking Jane" written by an LDS mother of 11 children. She is absolutely amazing and she constantly reminds me that motherhood is a spiritual calling and that I should rely more on God, the scriptures, and personal revelation for parenting advice than on books or next door neighbors (even though I have great neighbors ;). I love what she said on her interview with Bloom:

"In the end, I just did my best. I didn’t schedule time with each child. I absolutely loved spending time with my children. I genuinely did—so I think that for the most part, it just happened. I know it sounds unbelievable but I never really needed to get away. I loved taking one or two with me everywhere. I loved getting them in bed with me at night and reading. I couldn’t wait til they came home from school. I loved summer. They really had my whole heart and usually, that was enough."

It is that last part, "they really had my whole heart and usually, that was enough" that has really impacted me. I realize that the most important thing I can do for my children is 1) give them life and 2) love them with my whole heart, unconditionally... and that is really enough.

Do you notice that Asher's underwear is on backwards? He put it on himself and was so proud I didn't have the heart to tell him.

So Satan... just warning you but... you better not mess with me because, even though I make a lot of mistakes, I have the Omnipotent, Creator, and Lord of the Universe on my side! Ha, take that!