Midwifery as a Calling

Dr. Ellis Ship and her "sister-wives"
Image Source

Did you know that the early days of the Mormon church, midwifery was a spiritual calling? That a woman was called to be a midwife by priesthood authority, often after having been nominated by the Relief Society, and set apart by the laying on of hands. She was usually set apart by a General Authority of the church, if available, and the calling was for life, much like the calling of Patriarch.

Interested?

I've been doing a lot of research about early Mormon midwifery and women's birth experiences for the book I am helping with. I have some incredible stories.

Read more about it on my guest post "Midwifery as a calling" at The Gift of Giving Life.

I'm a Hypenator

This week I went to a dinner to commemorate the director of the Women's Research Institute (WRI) at BYU. The WRI is being dissolved (which is tragic and such a step backwards!) and so the director, Bonnie, is "retiring". It was a bitter sweet evening. I loved getting to see all the amazing women I worked with for almost 4 years when I was a research assistant there, but like a funeral there was that underlying sadness that is hard to rise above. They asked if I would speak for a few minutes about what Bonnie and the WRI have meant in my life. This is what I wrote. I wanted to share it because it is the best tribute I can make to an amazing woman and an amazing institution. Also, because I thought that it was time I let you all in on my deep, not so dark, secret....

I have a hyphen in my last name. I put it in on a whim just after I got married. It wasn’t a pre-thought out decision. When the lady at the social security office gave me the form to write my new married name on I wrote both my maiden name and my married name in the last name box, then in a moment of panic I quickly put a sloppy hyphen in between them and slid it under the window. As I walked out of the office I couldn’t believe what I had just done. Part of me secretly hoped that the social security office wouldn’t notice the hyphen and forget to put it in. No such luck, a few weeks later I got my social security card and there was my new name with a big hyphen in the middle. My husband of just a few weeks took one look at it (I hadn’t told him about the hyphen yet) started to laugh and said “I knew it, I just knew it. You are one of those hyphenators.”

And I guess I am…. Whatever that means.

My dear friend and mentor is also one of “those hyphenators”, and perhaps she is the reason my subconscious decided I needed to have a hyphen in my name. Through her example and friendship she taught me that there are as many different ways to be a woman as there are woman in this world and that we each having something beautiful and valuable to contribute. She and the WRI came into my life when I needed them the most. I was young and struggling with what it meant to be a woman. She guided me, loved me and showed me how to find a beautiful balance in my life. In truth, she gave me my hyphen—the ability to find unity and peace within myself and with my place in the world. Instead of letting opposing and contradicting ideas or identities tear me apart I’ve been able to use my hyphen bridge the gap and find peace between them. For example, because of the hyphen I am now a mother who is a feminist, married but independent, a stay-at-home mom with a career, a believer who questions, and a supportive wife with two last names.

In the last few years I’ve thought a lot about this hyphen in my name. I still don’t know exactly why I put it in. I don’t use it socially and the only time it shows up is on super official documents like my taxes and school transcripts. Sometimes I want to take it out but then something in me rebels against it. I think deep down inside I really like my hyphenated identity. Not only does the hyphen symbolically unify my pre-marriage identity with my marriage identity but it has helped me look at the world in a different way. I’ve come to realize that most women lead "hyphenated lives" and that they are constantly trying to find ways to unify the many facets of their lives. They struggle to balance and juggle contradictions and complexities. Discovering how to unify their experiences, culture, and ancestry with their dreams, thoughts and passions. I’ve realized that it is a never-ending challenge for a woman to learn how to unify her many identities and that perhaps that is the struggle and joy of being a woman... learning to find the balance and peace between your hyphens.

I think that the hyphen is the greatest gift Bonnie and the Women’s Research Institute have given me; the knowledge that there is no one right way to be a woman and that a woman who is unified and at peace within herself is able to be a powerful instrument in the hands of God. Bonnie is a beautiful instrument and God has worked powerful and beautiful miracles through her. I will be forever grateful for this amazing woman, for her strength, her faith, her intelligence and her love. I’ve learned important eternal lessons from watching her balance her motherhood, her career, her trials, her friendships and her passions. She is an angel in her own way and I want her to know that her example has influenced and shaped my life in an incredible way. I am a woman at peace within myself and with my hyphens because of her guidance and I hope and I promise that I will teach my tiny six-month old daughter some of what Bonnie taught me. We will continue to work towards a world where men and women have true peace... and not just tolerance and coexistence. Thank you Bonnie. I love you.

Creating Disciples

I never wanted to me a mother who spanked her children. I got spanked as a child and while I don't think it scarred me permanently, it was humiliating and hurtful. Spanking has always seemed a bit hypocritical to me... why just because I'm bigger is it okay for me to get angry and hit him for hitting his sister... and I always told myself I wouldn't do it. Yet, several times in the last week when Asher has loved his sister way too violently and I'm afraid he might have inflicted permanent brain damage on her, I've lost my cool and pulled down his diaper and given him a good swat on the bottom. Almost immediately I've regretted it and watching him cry and tell me "no hit, mama no hit" has just about broken my heart. One particular time after I spanked him I looked into his tear filled eyes and the spirit whispered to my heart that if I kept this type of discipline up I would eventually loose this little boy when he was older.

That revelation scared me and since then I've really been praying and studying about how to be a good parent... specifically about how to teach my children self-control and how to listen and obey. I read a really great book called "The Soft Spoken Parent" by H. Wallace Goddard and he pointed out that God never really punishes us but that we just feel the consequences of our action. Instead God "nurtures" and "admonishes" us. I love those two words, nurture and admonish, they seem so much more doable to me than heavy words like "discipline" and "punish". I've been thinking a lot about nurturing and admonishing and feel like those are things I can do and feel good about. I can nurture the qualities I want to see in my son-- kindness, loving, gentleness, determination, honesty, integrity, curiosity-- by praising him, encouraging and rewarding good behaviors, being an example to him, and recognizing his divine talents and spirit. I can also admonish or correct those behaviors I don't want to see him develop--- force, spite, jealously, greed-- by teaching him what is right and wrong, modeling correct behaviors, chastising at times but then showing forth more love after wards. I can do those things!

The other big revelation I have had on discipline is that the root word of discipline is "disciple" and that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to "discipline" my son. He is the only one who can make himself a "disciple" and choose to follow and obey. I can't force or punish him to get him to do what is right. I can only nurture and admonish him and help guide him towards the true Light of Christ and... eventually... he will choose to do what is right and he will be a true disciple. I know that the world my two little ones will be growing up in is going to be wicked and hard, really hard, and that they are going to have internal discipline much earlier than I or my parents ever had to have and I want to help them develop that. I want them to have a discipline that comes deep from inside their souls so that when I am not around they will still know what is right and will want to do it because the love and understand both their earthly and heavenly parents.

I've also realize that to teach discipline I need to be a better disciple myself of Jesus Christ. I need to learn to control my temper and to not ever punish or "discipline" when I am angry or out of control. My new parenting mantra is "only act out of love" if I am feeling angry and... to say the least... not full of love then I'm not allowed to admonish or chastise. I can't ever imagine our Heavenly Father loosing His cool and striking me down with lightening because He got frustrated with me. He is much more patient and loving than that and I want to become more like Him. But being a parent is hard... harder than I ever expected and I have a feeling that it just gets harder from here on out!

About two second after I took this picture he dumped his sister of the floor.
She bumped her head so hard she threw up. It was one of those moments in which I wish I would have been filled with more love.

What ways have you found to "nurture" and "admonish" your children that have worked to help them become disciples and learn self-control?

Spanish Mattress Commerical

This is such a beautiful ad. If I were really rich I would love to do more mainstream ads like this so that American women could see how normal, peaceful and beautiful birth can be... that it isn't all fear, drama, and screaming. Also I love this ad because there is something so deeply beautiful and intimate about a baby being born in the same bed or house in which he was conceived. Too bad that I don't think this type of ad would fly in the US... maybe someday.



Thanks to Musing of a Redhead for this video

Overwhelmed

Tonight as I was holding Rose and singing

to Asher

I looked in their eyes

and I realized that there are huge spirits inside

those tiny bodies

I saw wisdom shine out through their eyes

I saw love

and knowledge

and it humbled me to think that these great spirits

have put their faith

in me

to lead and guide them to the Light

I'm overwhelmed

and I can't help but wonder who they really are

eternally.

Bread Making Tips

Ever since Jon and I got married I've been trying to learn how to make good wheat bread. To say the least... it has been an adventure. We've eaten more dense wheat bricks over the last four years than we have moist, delicious slices of bread. But I'm getting better... much better.

My Dad's new wife is a really good bread maker and over Christmas I watched her make bread. I've discovered that you really have to watch someone make bread to learn how they do it because invariably they don't always follow the recipe or they do something important that they won't ever tell you. Anyway, after her lesson my bread has been turning out so wonderful. I still have a lot to learn about 1,000 more loaves of bread to make before I feel like an expert but I thought I'd share with you some of the things she taught me (or that I've learned from my grandma who is also an bread baker extraordinaire) that have made a big difference in my bread making. Please feel free to add any other tips that you have!

1) Keep your yeast in the freezer and only use SAF yeast. This is the best type of yeast and it keeps longer and best in the freezer not the fridge.

2) Start your bread by adding your warm water, 3 cups of flour, and your yeast. Mix it together on low till it makes a slurry. You can also add in the honey/sugar and oil now too if you want. The slurry seems to make the yeast activate well and I've noticed that if I skip this step my bread won't rise very high.

3) After you have all the ingredients mixed in, except the flour, start the mixer on low and then SLOWLY add the rest of the flour. Don't turn the mixer up to high until you've added quite a bit of flour. The slow setting stretches the gluten fibers in the wheat resulting in moist fluffy bread. When you can tell that your machine is having a hard time mixing it and you can see the gluten fibers stretching then turn it up to high and continue adding the flour slowly.

4) Don't ever follow the recipe to determine how much flour to put in. Just keep adding flour slowly until the dough pulls away from the sides of the bowl. You want enough flour to clean the sides off but not so much that your dough isn't sticky.

5) Let the dough mix on high for 10 min. Don't worry if your dough is semi-sticky because during this ten minuets it will start to get less sticky. If it is still really sticky after five minutes of mixing add a little bit more flour.

6) Don't add your dough enhancer until after all your flour is added and your dough has been kneading for at least 5 minutes. You want to make sure your gluten fibers are good and activated before you add the enhancer.

7) Heat up your oven to about 175 degrees (or just warmish) and then turn it off. Stick your loaves in there to rise. After they have risen leave them in the oven while you heat it up to 350 degrees-- don't count on them rising more once you've heated up the oven because sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. Also if you start the bread in a cold oven you'll need to cook it for five minutes longer than the recipe calls for.

8) Eat at least one slice of bread, preferably with butter and honey, immediately after it comes out of the oven.... oooh, yum!

Okay so there are all my bread making hints. They have made a big difference for me but I know that bread making differs at every elevation and temperature so you might have to experiment to find out what works for you. My dad's wife also suggested taking a bread making class at your local Bosch store which I think would be a great idea because you really have to see bread made well to learn how to make it.

Hmm.. perhaps I should have got a better picture.
I took this picture of the bread a few days after I made it and it had gotten a little squished on top.
So use your imagination and picture it super fresh and steamy.

Here is my favorite bread recipe that I got from my Grandma. It is half white and half wheat and even though I really like whole wheat bread this is by far my favorite because it is usually really moist and light.

My Grandma's Half and Half bread

2 1/2 cups warm water
1 TBSP salt
1/4 cup vegetable oil or applesauce
1/4 cup honey
1 TBSP dough enhancer
1 1/2 TBSP gluten flour
1 TBSP yeast
3 cups white bread flour (not just white flour but BREAD flour-- it really does make a difference)
3 cups whole wheat flour (may need more to get to right consistency)

Let rise for 30 min and bake at 350 degrees for 30 mins.

The Wonder Weeks: Book Review

When Asher was about 9 months old he went through a phase where he wouldn't sleep at night. It just about drove me crazy and resulted in one of my worst nights as a mother. Later my wonderful doula cousin-in-law Liz told me about sleep regression, which happens when a baby is making some huge cognitive developments. I started researching sleep regression and kept stumbling across people who had nothing but praise for this book...

This is really an incredible book. I think it has done more to help me as a mother than any other parenting book I've read...besides the scriptures. The whole premise of the book is that babies go through mental or cognitive growths spurts just like they go through physical growth spurts. Usually a few weeks before a baby makes a physical "leap" forward they also make a mental "leap" forward which is characterized by a fussy, clingy and sleepless baby. This is a time when a baby's whole world is changing and they don't know how to cope with it yet so they cling to what is safe and familiar... mom, milk, being held, dad, etc... This is kind of hard for adults to understand but just imagine if every few months you gained a new sense, like all of a sudden you could hear twice as far or could smell things a half mile away, it would really change your world and make it kind of a scary place. Those are the types of changes a baby goes through every few months and with which they have to learn how to cope. They are the times your baby needs you the most. The book points out several different leap periods (you can see a chart of them here) when babies make the biggest cognitive developments. The dates are based off the baby's conception date so if your baby was born "early" or "late" then the dates might be off 3-6 weeks.

When I picked up this book at the library a few weeks ago Rose was in a really fussy period, she wasn't sleeping well, she always wanted to be held, and she cried about everything. I was kind of going batty. When I read this book I realized that she was right in the middle of the "World of Events" leap and that the reason she was fussy wasn't because she was a "bad" baby or because I was a "bad" mother but because her world was changing and she didn't know how to deal with it. Knowing this COMPLETELY changed the way I approached her fussiness. Instead of getting frustrated and frazzled by her neediness and crying I understood what she was going through and was able to use some of the suggestions the book gave for helping her through her challenging time. It really was incredible. I could almost see the little cogs turning in her head and when she finally emerged on the other side of her fussy period I wasn't surprised at all that she was all of sudden a bit more grown up and aware of how her world worked.

I wish I'd had this book with Asher... it would have saved me a lot of grief. It actually kind of breaks my heart now when I think back how during some of his leap periods I was so frustrated and so at a loss for what to do that I let him cry himself to sleep--- when really what he needed was to know he was safe, loved and that the world wasn't as scary as it appeared. (PS. There are other times I've let him cry it out and haven't felt a bit bad about it, there are times when really he just needed to cry) I don't think he suffered any permanent damage but I just need to remember that now, as a two-year-old, he is still making cognitive "leaps" and that instead of getting frustrated I need to find constructive ways to help him through them. This book helped to remind me that even though my children are little and can't communicate well they are still human beings who have complicated emotions, thoughts and feelings and that it is my job to be patient and to help them make sense of this confusing world.

Here is my little nursling just a few weeks past her "world of events" leap, more grown up and happy then ever. Her next leap is the "world of relationships" and this time I am actually kind of excited for her fussy period because I know what is coming and what I can do to help her.

The Book Project

In my last post I tagged one of the girls that I am working on a book with and I realized that I haven't ever mentioned the project and that most of you don't know what I've been up to... unless of course you see me on a regular basis and then you are probably sick of hearing me talk about it!

Well... back in December I met two incredible ladies through my Women in the Scriptures blog who both write blogs about the spirituality of birth (Mother Earth writes the blog "The Gift of Giving Life" and Buscando la Luz writes the blog "Birth Faith"). I found out that they were collecting birth stories from LDS women who had positive or spiritual experiences during birth and that they were planning on publishing a book for LDS women about the spiritual nature and power of birth. I sent Mother Earth Roses' birth story and chatted with them both through blogs and emails. After reading several of the things I'd written about Eve (here) and Mary (here) on my blog they asked if I would want to contribute to the book. Are you kidding... YES!

We've been collecting stories, sharing ideas and working on drafts the last few months and it has really been an incredible experience working with these amazing women. There are six of us total that are working on the book and we live all over the country. Several of us have never met but through the miracle of the Internet we now feel like good friends. We all have different strengths and perspectives and it is making for a pretty incredible product. Rixa who writes the blog "Stand and Deliver" is another one of the women working on the book and the other two don't have blogs but you can take my word that they are pretty incredible women as well. We are hoping to have the book published in the next year or so and after that there is a movie (along the same lines as the book) in the works and possibly much more. It is really exciting and it feels like God has brought us all together to do something important. I know for me at least it has been a direct answer to my prayers and I am humbled, and a bit intimidated, to be numbered among such amazing women.

The book is going to include stories about women who birth in all different ways-- medicated, home, c-section, unassisted-- and they are still collecting stories. So no matter how you birthed your children if you are LDS and have a spiritual insight to share about pre- conception, pregnancy, labor or postpartum PLEASE send it to ldsbirthstories@gmail.com

Oh, and if you want a little taste of what I am going to be contributing to the book you can read my post "The Importance of Birth" on my other blog.

Five Treasured Items

Forever ago, like way back before Rose was born, one of my blogging buddies Christy tagged me and I never did it. Then just a few weeks ago Destiny tagged me on my Women in the Scriptures blog and I figured that perhaps it was time I did it. But I've taken a blogging liberty and am going to make up my own type of tag because... well I want to.

So here is my tag-- Post your five most treasured items. These should be"things" (ie. kids, animals, foods don't cut it) that if your house burnt down or got washed away by a tsunami you would really miss. Then tag whoever you want-- and if you want to do this and I don't tag you... do it!

So here are my five

#1 My scriptures

Poor things have been loved too well. My dad got these for me right after I got married (four years in two weeks... whoohoo!) and I'm afraid the might not make it another year. I'm dreading getting new scriptures because they won't have all my markings. Does anyone know if you can get scriptures rebound?

#2 Jon's Picture

Jon drew this picture for me the Christmas we got married. I love it. If you look closely at the leaves you'll see that each one has a memory written on it.

One time when we were first married someone (I won't divulge who) got angry and threw a wet dish rag at it. It fell and the glass shattered, tearing part of the picture. I bawled and bawled and thought for sure it was a sign our marriage was doomed. The next day it was hanging back in our kitchen. Jon had fixed it and said that now no matter what came at it wouldn't break because he had put Plexiglas in instead of glass. Every time I look at it I remember that our marriage is virtually shatterproof.

#3 My Kangaroo Baby

I made this in a ceramics class in college. The assignment was to make a plant pot shaped like an animal. I worked so hard on this and he still makes me smile every time I see him. He used to hold a plant but lately he's been holding hair ribbons and diapers.

#4 My red wedding shoes

For my wedding I wanted to wear red shoes, but I couldn't find any red ones that weren't old grandma looking. Eventually I found these on ebay and they were perfect. They have to be the most gorgeous pair of shoes I've ever owned. When we were dancing at our wedding dinner I felt like such a princess in them. Yes, they killed my feet but sometimes beauty has a price... and they were SO worth it.

Also, I know I don't have this anymore and technically it is considered a food, which means I am breaking my own rules, but I LOVED my wedding cake. My mother-in-law made it and it surpassed all my wildest dreams.

#5 The Ugly Rocking Chair

We rescued this from Jon's uncle's attic. At first I thought it was hideous, it still kind of is, but it is it is surprising VERY comfortable... for a wooden chair. There is nothing better than rocking babies to sleep in it. I've had some precious moments in this chair. So hideous or not, it is staying for as long as it holds together.

Okay so now here are the people I tag:

1) My little sister-- who just started a blog and it is beautiful, intelligent and witty... like her

2) Funkyhan-- who is my British blog buddy. I get a kick out of her blog and like reading it with a British accent... for some reason I love it that she calls vacuuming "hoovering" hee... hee.

3) Buscando la Luz-- one of the beautiful girls that is working with me on the book (oh, I haven't told you all about the book... ooh I'll have to post that soon)

4) elesahag-- whose blog is hilarious... she is the type of funny that I wish I could be.

5) Mommy D-- a friend from college who I actually am now better friends with now through blogging than I ever was when I knew her "for real"

Speaking Asherish

Asher has started to become quite the articulate little boy. He is constantly surprising us with what he says, like tonight at dinner I mentioned counting to Jon and all of sudden Asher held up his fingers and said, "un, two, eee, our" followed by something that sounded like "monsters walking cross the floor". I think perhaps we have watched that Feist Sesame Street clip way too many times ;) It is also really fun that he is starting to be understood by people who don't speak "Asherish", even though most of the time I still have to translate what he says for the general public. Here is brief introductory course to the complicated, and sometimes frustrating, language of Asherish.

He says: "bootball day"

He means: football game... specifically this football game.

Ash came down one night when Jon and I were watching this ( a FANTASTIC movie by the way) and has been slightly obsessed with it since. We gave it back weeks ago but at least once a week he asks to watch the "bootball day".

He says: "T.J."

He means: Horse

Our neighbors down the street have a horse named T.J. During the summer whenever Asher and I would take a walk we would go visit T.J. and feed him apples. Now all horse are T.J.'s. It is really cute because whenever we drive past the coral where T.J. lives Asher always calls out "Hi, T.J.!" or tells me "T.J. sleepin."

He says: "Bee"

He means: Any sort of bug (but not butterflies)

Asher is pretty fascinated with bugs. I got him a bug book awhile ago and now his favorite thing to do is to point to one of the many "bees" and then pretend to pick it up and eat it. He always wants me to "eat" bees too and giggle at the icky face I make. Oh and on a different note my SIL is on a mission in Botswana and she sent home something called Panni Worms (basically big fat dried caterpillars) and on New Years Eve I ate one! Well, almost I crunched it but couldn't swallow it-- I think I would have thrown it back up-- it tasted like kitty litter, used kitty litter.

He says: "Bampa show"

He means: Grandpa Show (ie. Mr. Kruegar's Christmas)

I am usually VERY strict about not listening to Christmas music, watching Christmas movies or reading Christmas books in the Christmas off season, but this is one where my will has been bent, yet again, to a little two-year-old. If the Bampa show can get me 1/2 more quiet time then we will be watching it all the way until next Christmas!

He says: "basketball"

He means: a basketball or anything that remotely looks like a basketball... such as a clementine.

I also discovered several months ago that basketball is kind of a comfort word for him. He was having a really rough night and nothing Jon or I could do would get him calmed down, so we let him cry for awhile in his bed. At first he cried, "Mom, Mom" but when I didn't come he started with the "Dad, Dad" and when Dad didn't come he started with the "Basketball, Basketball." Obviously the basketball must have worked because he calmed down pretty soon afterward!

He says: "baybe dyin"

He means: baby's crying

Okay, so I know she isn't crying in this picture, but I don't have any of her crying. I think I need to get one of her crying because it is just so adorable.

He also calls Rose "Baybe Row".

He says: "Heaver"

He means: Heather

This picture was taken back in July but it is really the only flattering picture I have of me lately

It is really funny but lately Asher has been calling me by my first name. If I don't answer to "mama" within his allotted 10 second time frame he starts hollering for "Heaver." He doesn't call Jon by his first name so I don't know where he picked this up. It is rather amusing and a tad embarrassing when he does it in public.

He also says Peeezzze (Please), Wuz tha? (What's that?), Upen et (open it) and I kick et (said to any and all things he wants to kick). Also in the last few days he has also started to say "Thank you mama" when I give him things-- without me having to prompt him. It melts my heart and when he asks like that I would give him the world... or at least another fruit snack.