So Lately I've Been Thinking...

That I have changed SO much in the last 6 or 7 years that I can hardly know the person I was then, and can't believe I was once the person I once was. Does that make sense? Let me explain.

When I graduated from High School my plan was to go to BYU, but to be one of the few "strong" ones who held out and didn't get married. Honestly I really wasn't that interested in being married and didn't think I would be till about 25ish. I wanted to travel, I wanted to get my Ph.D., I wanted to meet important people and do important things. And in my mind important things meant working for the UN or a humanitarian group over seas, fighting AIDS and world hunger. And you know, for the first few years of college I went after these dreams and did a lot of wonderful things. If my life hadn't taken some unexpected turns that changed my dreams, I probably would be living that sort of life. But my priorities and what I want in life have taken a 360 degree turn from where I thought I wanted to be.

It really all began when I met Jon and fell in love with him. I'd never met a man who was everything I wanted plus a whole lot more. And the fact that he wasn't the bit interested in me and made me chase him down -- made me all the more sure that he was what I wanted and what I needed. And he is-- every bit and more. Even though getting married young was not in my life plan, I easily justified it because I knew that Jon shared many of my same dreams and would help me achieve them. In fact, only a few months after being married we had the chance to go on a study abroad together to Jordan for a summer. I know that God's hand was in that trip, because not only did LOTS of money fall out of heaven for us to be able to go but it brought us so much closer together in mind, spirit and future goals. Anyway, when we got back we were floundering about what to do after graduation and decided we would join the Peace Corps. We put in our application and were really excited about spending three years aboard together.

But then I had the BIGGEST change of heart I've ever had in my entire life. Only a few months after Jon and I were married I started to have some health problems and was faced with the chance that I might not ever be able to have children. Up until that point in my life I had NEVER wanted to be a mother, really I know that is sad but it is true. Children just never seemed important to me or a priority in my life. I figured they would come sometime, but after I had done all the "important" things I wanted to get done. But when I was faced with the fact that they might never come, suddenly ALL I wanted in the whole world was to be a mother-- badly, desperately. I spent many, many hours on my knees praying and begging God, telling him that my heart had changed and that if He would only let me be a mother I would treasure that gift always. It was a hard year, and when I look back at it I am SO grateful for that experience. It changed my soul deeply and made me realize what it means to be a woman. Up until then I'd always struggled with conceptions of femininity and womanhood (just ask my college roommates who heard LOTS of my theories!) but that struggle helped me see what was most important and how God wanted me to spend my time and talents. I actually feel bad talking about my "struggle" because I know there are so many women who wait many, many more years than I ever had to and I admire them SO much.

So, as a result of my change of heart, Jon and I decided to withdraw our application to the Peace Corps-- because it would have meant delaying have children for at least three years (they send you home if you get pregnant). During the next several months I looked into doing several different Masters programs but none of them ever felt right. Then by the grace of God I got pregnant and ours lives have been blessed by Asher's little spirit ever since.

Well, that was a long story and probably more than anyone wanted to know, but what I am trying to say is that my life hasn't turned out at all like I planed it was going to and that I am THRILLED about that. I am happier now than I EVER thought was possible. Being a mother has fulfilled every dream that I once had. I feel like I am doing the most important thing that I can be doing and know that I just where God wants and needs me to be. It just goes to show that sometimes we don't know what is best for us-- but that God always does.

BUT still, sometimes I find myself comparing myself to all those women who are doing the "important" things I once wanted to do. For example, I have a friend coming to visit me this summer from Germany (we met when she was a foreign exchange student my Jr. year of High School) who is not married and who is just this year graduating with her medical degree. She has lived in several different countries, speaks several different languages, and is planning on doing humanitarian work with her degree. We are still really good friends but our life choices have been so different. Actually I am really nervous about telling her I am pregnant again because I don't know if she will be able to understand why I've made the choices I have. I don't know why I feel so self conscious about telling her, I guess it is the old High School self in me-- who use to criticize and pitty women like me, who were stay-at-home mom's with lots of little kids to "bind them down". I use to be the sort of woman who couldn't understand what mothers did all day and thought that their lives were boring, unfulfilled and dreamless. I know now how tragically wrong I was. Being a mother, wife, sister, daughter and friend is vitally important and I know that there is nothing else in the world that could ever bring me as much peace and joy. Yet, I still feel like the world is judging me because of my choice to be a mother young. Especially being a mother to TWO children-- that makes is super official-- the first one might have just been an accident-- but having two (especially close together) means there is no denying that you have been fully inducted into the role of mother and there is no escaping it (not that I would want to). I really appreciate what one of my college friends wrote on her blog a few days ago (I hope you don't mind me re-posting this Danica), she said...

And might I add, I love being a mother. Since moving out of Utah, I guess I feel like I'm constantly having to explain myself for being mother so young. (By the way, I'm turning 25, it's not like I'm 16 or something...) But, no one holds back--friends think it's a little weird, or at the very least, accidental. Doctors thinks it's reckless. Career women think it's too early and question why I'm not working first, and then having kids--or at least doing both at the same time. I feel myself succumbing to their judgements. Almost apologizing or explaining myself. But, really there is no other explanation than I've always wanted to be a mother, I love being a mother, Claire is the best little girl a mother could ask for, I have time to be a teacher in a classroom later in life, but I feel like I have this limited window where I can be a young, fun, creative, hands-on mother to 3-4 kids. And with that, I have to go fish out the 26 puzzle pieces Claire put down my shirt while I typed this...

You know, I still have all those old dreams and someday I will achieve them-- if they are still what I want. But for right now and right here my family is my dream and my priority and it is what I want with all my heart. There are so many times and seasons to a woman's life and you can't do everything all at once. This is my time and my season to be a mother and to learn what God has for me to learn from this experience. Who knows what other times and what other seasons lie ahead for me, and what other lessons I have to learn. But for here and now I am at peace... mostly ;)