I never wanted to me a mother who spanked her children. I got spanked as a child and while I don't think it scarred me permanently, it was humiliating and hurtful. Spanking has always seemed a bit hypocritical to me... why just because I'm bigger is it okay for me to get angry and hit him for hitting his sister... and I always told myself I wouldn't do it. Yet, several times in the last week when Asher has loved his sister way too violently and I'm afraid he might have inflicted permanent brain damage on her, I've lost my cool and pulled down his diaper and given him a good swat on the bottom. Almost immediately I've regretted it and watching him cry and tell me "no hit, mama no hit" has just about broken my heart. One particular time after I spanked him I looked into his tear filled eyes and the spirit whispered to my heart that if I kept this type of discipline up I would eventually loose this little boy when he was older.
That revelation scared me and since then I've really been praying and studying about how to be a good parent... specifically about how to teach my children self-control and how to listen and obey. I read a really great book called "The Soft Spoken Parent" by H. Wallace Goddard and he pointed out that God never really punishes us but that we just feel the consequences of our action. Instead God "nurtures" and "admonishes" us. I love those two words, nurture and admonish, they seem so much more doable to me than heavy words like "discipline" and "punish". I've been thinking a lot about nurturing and admonishing and feel like those are things I can do and feel good about. I can nurture the qualities I want to see in my son-- kindness, loving, gentleness, determination, honesty, integrity, curiosity-- by praising him, encouraging and rewarding good behaviors, being an example to him, and recognizing his divine talents and spirit. I can also admonish or correct those behaviors I don't want to see him develop--- force, spite, jealously, greed-- by teaching him what is right and wrong, modeling correct behaviors, chastising at times but then showing forth more love after wards. I can do those things!
The other big revelation I have had on discipline is that the root word of discipline is "disciple" and that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to "discipline" my son. He is the only one who can make himself a "disciple" and choose to follow and obey. I can't force or punish him to get him to do what is right. I can only nurture and admonish him and help guide him towards the true Light of Christ and... eventually... he will choose to do what is right and he will be a true disciple. I know that the world my two little ones will be growing up in is going to be wicked and hard, really hard, and that they are going to have internal discipline much earlier than I or my parents ever had to have and I want to help them develop that. I want them to have a discipline that comes deep from inside their souls so that when I am not around they will still know what is right and will want to do it because the love and understand both their earthly and heavenly parents.
I've also realize that to teach discipline I need to be a better disciple myself of Jesus Christ. I need to learn to control my temper and to not ever punish or "discipline" when I am angry or out of control. My new parenting mantra is "only act out of love" if I am feeling angry and... to say the least... not full of love then I'm not allowed to admonish or chastise. I can't ever imagine our Heavenly Father loosing His cool and striking me down with lightening because He got frustrated with me. He is much more patient and loving than that and I want to become more like Him. But being a parent is hard... harder than I ever expected and I have a feeling that it just gets harder from here on out!
About two second after I took this picture he dumped his sister of the floor.
She bumped her head so hard she threw up. It was one of those moments in which I wish I would have been filled with more love.
What ways have you found to "nurture" and "admonish" your children that have worked to help them become disciples and learn self-control?
She bumped her head so hard she threw up. It was one of those moments in which I wish I would have been filled with more love.
8 comments:
wow I can totally relate. today has actually been better; I am trying to remain calm and not lash out in anger, which seems to come so easily to me when brothers are picking on each other or they are making a mess or won't listen...I totally agree that spanking is not the best teaching method at all. And so confusing--don't hit your brother! then "wack!" I get to spank you for hitting him...talk about confusing and hypocritical!
Love this!
One of the best parenting tips I ever got was empathy. So often I get impatient and forget what it was like to be a child. When my 4-year-old starts freaking out (it happens a LOT) about something small, I try to remember to give her empathy first... to say things like, "I know, it's so sad when things don't happen the way you want," or whatever. It seems to quell the storm far more quickly than chastising her with, "It's not a big deal! Stop freaking out!" (Which is my natural knee-jerk reaction.)
I needed this post/reminder. Thanks, Heather!
Thank you so much for this post!
One thing that's helped me is to create opportunities for Stephen and me to feel the Spirit together. Usually I sing Primary songs to him, or we look at pictures of Jesus, but either way it helps me to be calm and I hope that Stephen can feel the Spirit too. The songs have been especially helpful during squirmy diaper changes (he likes to sit up while I'm changing him...um...yeah...and then arches his back and cries when I lay him down...pretty darn frustrating!)
I've had one of these revelations recently too. I get so mad at my 2 1/2 year old sometimes and after I yell at him or spank him I feel TERRIBLE. So I've been working hard to keep hold of my emotions and be more calm and loving. Have you every watched the show SuperNanny? It's awesome. She advocates timeouts. I LOVE timeouts now. I don't know what I would do without them. Kids need dicipline, but they need it in a loving way and that is how she teaches it. You should get online and watch a few episodes if you haven't before. Here is the link http://abc.go.com/watch/supernanny/153459
Now obviously these families are totally wacked out, but I still learn something from every episode.
Thanks for the insights. I like the part about empathy. That really does make such a difference. I've also discovered that time outs are REALLY good... but not for Asher. I don't think that they really do much for him but they give me some time to cool down. In truth, I think that when I give him a time out I am more giving myself a time out. Maybe I need to do that more often!
Thanks for all your ideas and maybe I'll have to check out the super nanny :)
I think I may have already told you about this book I am reading "1 2 3 Magic". My insurance company sent it to me and it has made a huge difference in me and Porter. It takes 90% of the frustration and really the "reaction" part of disapline away. It has given me more patience to say the least. I will have to drop it by some time.
The "Love and Logic" series are really good too. Mostly, as far as discipline goes there are several things we, as parents, have to remember...the most important being AGE APPROPRIATENESS. Kids Ashers age tend to be very self-absorbed. They do things that are fun or entertaining to them and only as long as they are fun or entertaining. We need to REPEATEDLY point out others feelings and emotions so that they can learn how to interact. Also, being firm but matter-of-fact in any situation. Once you tell them no, make sure you follow through. Blah blah...it sounds so simple. As far as my kids go...I pray, pray, pray in every situation and every night to know how to TEACH correct choices instead of yelling wrong choices. It's something we all have to work on. One last thing...find successes. Point out 5 good choices for every wrong choice. Try telling John how to make a paper airplane using only negatives (ie: don't fold the paper in thirds, don't fold two triangles). ITS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE. Yet how often do we walk around telling our kids what not to do. Try telling them what they can do and you'll find a big difference.
We haven't used any punishment at all with Margaret. I don't feel like it's my place. Also, I feel that punishment is more for my sense of vengeance and less about her.
But then again, we're hoping to go with consensual living as our parenting/family lifestyle, which I know people think is far too permissive. I pretty much let her do whatever she wants if she won't get hurt. Spill all your yogurt on the table and play with it like finger paint? Sure go ahead- we can clean it up later. Plus while she's keeping herself busy I can do dishes. :)
She rarely hits/pushes, but when she does, I cup her hands in mine and say, "Hands are for loving and helping." And I kiss them. Then I try to distract her with something else. That's pretty much it. I know sometimes moms at playgroups don't think this is enough, but my parenting isn't about their sense of vengeance either.
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