While I really love blogging and love the conversations and ideas that are shared across them, a blog is a tricky thing. I've found that it is hard to write about things you are passionate about...like birth... on a blog because you never know who is reading what you wrote (unless they leave a comment) or if you were able to communicate your idea across to them in the right way. It is much easier to talk about things in person because then you both have the opportunity to clarify, to see facial expressions, tones of voice, and make sure you understand the other person's viewpoint. That is harder on a blog and I wish that I was a good enough writer that I could express myself so that I could be understood perfectly.
After some readers left heated comments on my guest post about birth and chickens and cows I've been worrying that, in my passion and zest for birth and empowered motherhood, I may have offended, hurt, or alienated some of my readers. In one comment someone claimed that I, "...often make comments that belittle or demean a hospital birth as the 'second class citizen' of births. After reading this post it seems to me that only those that are too scared, too weak, too unhealthy, or uninformed choose this 'lower' way of birthing."
This has really been haunting me because it makes me feel like... MUD... to think that I may have hurt anyone's feelings or discredited their birth experience. That is the LAST, the absolutely LAST thing, that I would want to convey to anyone. I've been agonizing over the idea that someone misunderstood me and is feeling belittled or ostracized because of what I wrote.
In all honesty I probably shouldn't have put a link to that post on this blog. When I wrote the post I asked the writer of the Gift of Giving Life blog if I could post it there because I knew it didn't "fit" on this blog. It isn't anything that is going in the book but I knew that it wasn't written for a general audience. I wrote it with a "birth advocacy" audience in mind. The purpose of the post wasn't to make a statement against hospital births-- or to make women who have had c-sections feel bad-- but to illustrate that women have a divine inner strength and knowledge about birth. I wanted to get the point across that doctors, midwives, doulas and other childbirth advocates need to trust and respect women's divine ability to give birth and that our practices in hospital-- and home-- births should reflect that. We need to be careful about when and how we use interventions because they affect women and babies, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Looking back I really shouldn't have linked to it, but like my high school journalism teacher liked to say, "Writing is an act of ego" and I guess I was a little too vain and wanted to share it with everyone.
Even though I am obviously passionate about home birth (and a part of me wishes that every woman could get a little taste of how incredible it is to witness a baby born in a home) I am most absolutely and positively, not anti-hospital birth, not anti-epidural, and not even anti-cesarean section. I truly believe that those are all wonderful advances in medicine and that they save a lot of women and babies lives. I realize that what is right for me is not right for everyone; that the "ultimate experience" of giving birth is going to be different for each woman and each baby.
One of the most important things that I have learned as I have been collecting birth stories for the book I am helping with is that God gives each woman different revelation about how her baby needs to be born. We've collected some really incredible stories for the book from women who have had intense spiritual experiences delivering babies with c-sections, epidurals, inductions, natural, at home, unassisted, and even women whose children needed to come to their home via adoption. I've seen that God has a different plan for each of His children and that sometimes a baby needs to be born a certain way in order for mother's and babies to learn important lessons. It is obvious that there is no one "right" way for a baby to be born and that natural births don't have the "corner on the market" for spiritual experiences during childbirth.
Ultimately, God is control of where, when and how babies get to this earth and our job is to trust Him and learn the lessons He wants us to learn from the experience. For some women and babies the lessons He want them to learn come through having home births, for others c-sections. We can't really judge another person's experience because we don't know what God's plan for them is or what type of experience they need. I don't think it really matters how or where a woman births, as long as she is counseling with her Heavenly Father, relying on the spirit, and trying to make decisions out of faith and not fear. Those are the important things.
That is my honest and sincere opinion for the deepest part of my soul. If sometimes I come across as being over zealous in my opinion of home birth, please forgive me... it is a hard burden to be passionate about something.
6 years ago
24 comments:
Hi Heather. I stalk your blog. (we went to high school together) I love your blog and your opinions. Even if I don't agree with them all.:) My first birth was not the best and so "if" I have another one I want it to be better and different so I love reading about every type of birth and idea.
I think the world needs to grow up and realize that everyone has their own opinion and are entitled to it. It doesn't mean that everyone has to agree with it.
Keep typing don't worry about offending people. People who are truly offended are looking for it.
As a mother who was the victim of an overly zealous OB and the mother of a son who then fell victim to a c-section birth, I appreciated your post.
I wish with all my heart that the young mother I was had had a wiser woman to teach and guide her away from the possibility of that birth.
I wish someone had taught me how to retain my power and authority over my body.
I wish someone had told me that I could say NO. I could say NO to pitocin. I could say NO to a coerced epidural. I could say NO to a premature rupture of membranes. I could say NO to an internal fetal monitor.
I know that that birth was far from spiritually guided.
I could suppose that you were criticizing me and feel offended. After all, I willingly permitted all of those things to occur. Some might say I consented to them. I didn't know I could do anything else.
Women need to know their options. They need to know they have CHOICES. They need to know there are safe alternatives.
Please, if you are one of the women who thought that the wise women who advocate on behalf of natural birth are thinking that you're inferior in some way reconsider your thoughts.
More likely these advocates have experienced their own trauma and pain and only wish to save other women from having to be harmed.
I know I wish that all babies and mothers could birth in safety and health.
Amen.
Love this: "it is a hard burden to be passionate about something." So so so true.
And, Heather, this is YOUR blog where YOU get to talk about what matters to YOU and share what YOU want to share. Just as you're allowed to decorate the walls of your home as YOU please, you're most certainly allowed to fill your blog with the words YOU please.
"[I]t ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else." -Elder David A. Bednar (“And Nothing Shall Offend Them,” Ensign, Nov 2006, 89–92)
Keep sharing, Heather!
Thanks to blogs like yours, I finally got educated about natural birth, and the amazing benefits! Please keep writing! Women like me need to know our options, when we research a subject. You didn't say that your way was the ONLY way; you just told why you chose it. It's great that women have choices! I had 4 children the routine hospital way (fear, pain, inductions, epidurals, one with no meds, and all while laying on my back.) While they were very special events in my life, I didn't know what I was missing. I had back pain for months after those births, and thought that was normal. For my 5th child, I had an all natural HOME BIRTH, in a standing/squat position, that was incredibly comfortable, empowering, and healing. No back pain, no stitches, just peace, trust, and love. Thanks for being a voice for a wonderful choice!
Your brother wrote you a kind, loving, thoughtful letter as a comment. The things he wrote are only things that someone who truly loves and knows you could write. The contradictions he referred to are not because your readers cannot see your face or feel your intents, it is because you try to take two sides of the argument. This was Drew's point, but you persist in doing it in this post.
The conundrum is that the ONLY argument for a home birth is that it is a more fulfilling, rich experience. Why would a woman put herself and her child at risk when all of the medical advances are down the street at a hospital? You have tried to answer this many times by explaining that it is more empowering in the home than at a hospital. By stating that position you state that the other birth options are less than the home birth experience.
In your desire to not offend and because you believe yourself to be an advocate for woman you then backpedal on this argument.
Like you, I have only given birth one way, my choice was in a hospital. I considered both experiences to be empowering, rich and remarkable. I have never thought to pray over this choice. For me, it would be like praying about whether to strap my kids in a carseat before driving. The choice is an obvious one. I thought Drew stated it well when he wrote, "It could easily be interpreted that God's natural plan is for us to use the technology he inspires people to create so that we don't have possible complications with child births like women historically have had."
The chicken and cow post presented a new contradiction, which Nathan earnestly tried to point out to you. The articles that you cited supported Nathan's position, medical intervention saves lives, mothers and babies. It is ridiculous to try to argue that this is not the case. Certainly, a story about a farmer is not a convincing method.
You wrote that this was for a specific audience and should not have been shared. There is a danger in sharing our thoughts with only like minded people and that is that they are not challenged. The challenges presented by Nathan and Drew pointed out the significant fallacies in your arguments.
I used to think home birth was risky and dangerous too, until I did the research for myself!
As I stated before, I had 4 hospital births, and then a home birth. Comfort aside... the main reason I chose a home birth was because after doing so much research, I did it because I believe that it was safer to birth at home than in a hospital. That should not be offensive to the previous commenter; just a different perspective. Homebirthers don't give birth at home just for comfort. Check the statictics and safety, and outcomes. That is what finally convinced me to have a home birth. And I will never go back to a hospital to birth.... unless a real emergency does arise. But normal birth is not a medical emergency.
Please don't let anyone stop you from researching your birth options and choosing what is best for you!
Sorry to keep commenting, but birth is such a personal choice.
When something wonderful happens to someone, they want to share it with others, to share that joy.
If one woman finds great joy in a home birth, and another woman finds great joy in a hospital birth, then it's great for both.
It's good to have choices, to explore the options, and to respect each woman's right to choose, and be happy with her choice.
I just wanted to clarify a few things about why I posted what I did. I pointed out something that I saw as damaging to Heather's role as an advocate for birthing choices. Although people may choose to be offended why would you disregard the feelings of others just because "it's YOUR blog where YOU get to talk about what matters to YOU"?!? If you just want talk about what you want to talk about I guess that's great, but if you want to spark discussion, educate, and advocate it's a whole different story. That's why I felt it would be good to write the comment. I understand advocating things and I understand that most of you are probably very defensive about this topic because you are the minority, but I feel like what I said to Heather yesterday, and what I am saying to all of you, is that if you want to educate, be very careful not to shut the people out that you feel need to be educated. It is just a warning and it is a warning that can be disregarded (like some of you I am sure already have) or be used to help your cause.
Some thoughts:
#1.This is a blog, and blogs are notorious for being one sided and soap-box-ish. Well, of course they are! It's a blog. We can rant, and rave, and wave our arms in the air about anything we feel like because in this particular venue, we get to state our OWN opinions.
Of course, I am not advocating insensitivity or mean-heartedness. I'm all for open-minded discussion and getting to know other points of view.
BUT I would argue that if I want to write about something I'm passionate about--say my deep love for Ammon Pool and why I think it will forever be superior to the Aquatic Center--then my own personal blog is probably the MOST appropriate place for me to state those views.
#2. People who want to see all viewpoints of a given topic represented in a single place need to seek out a discussion board. Blogs are written by individuals (usually the ones with strong opinions!), so they may not be the best source for multi-faceted or exhaustive experiences.
#3.I'm happy you've found something you are passionate about.
#3. Anyone who has met would would know you wouldn't dream of criticizing another woman's choice as far as birth is concerned.
Therefore, I say, "Sing out, my friend!" You are allowed to be excited and passionate here. This is, after all, your space. We turkies are just invading it!
Also, I can't count. I put 3 twice. I'm awesome and oh-so-very edumacated.
I just wanted to point out that sometimes statistics for home births can be misleading because many casualties happen in the hospital after the mother has been rushed to the hospital from her home. Also, all high risk pregnancies delivery at the hospital because of their nature so it drive statistics up, it's not the hospital that caused it.
As a former labor and delivery nurse, I have cared for women who have been rushed to the hospital because a home birth went wrong as well as women who have been traumatized from previous failed attempts at home delivery. This is the reason I will not be having a home birth. But, it is because of my personal experiences that I choose to birth the way I do. Everyone has their own personal experiences that lead them to live as they do. That is what makes the world interesting. I have personally had fabulous experiences with OB's, epidurals and hospitals. I have had experiences that have led me to not trust midwives. But, there are many people who have had horrible experiences with OB's, etc. We make our decisions according to our experiences and the spirit that guides us . Birth, especially, is a very personal decision, but one that women should be educated on.
There is really only one phrase that offends me a little bit. When women say, "my body knows what to do, so I don't need medical intervention" or "my body was created for this." I do think that implies that women who need medical intervention have inferior bodies. Other than that, I don't think it should be offensive if someone feels their method of birthing or doing anything, really, is superior to another method. Of course they do, that's why they chose it! For some women a c-section is the superior option and for others a home birth is superior. It is ok for someone to think they are choosing the most superior option. It doesn't mean that person is superior or even that method, the point is is that it is superior FOR THEM.
Wow! I started quite a brouhaha, eh Heather?
A couple of points to previous readers.
Ad hominem fallacies are those fallacies that attack the author of an opinion rather than the argument itself. Calling someone names (like "yokel" for instance) is a form of ad hominem fallacy. Saying that someone has been offended by something is a subtle form of an ad hominem fallacy because it implies that that person is not making a cogent argument, but is only driven by passion and not reason.
As Heather's uncle, I feel I do know her pretty well. In fact, I wrote because I know her well enough to, I think, point out something that I thought was inaccurate and possibly irresponsible, or at least might be misconstrued. Heather and I differ in how we feel about home birth. That is okay.
Several of the women that I respect most in this world have had home births. I respect their decisions, even if I do not agree with them.
However my argument is as follows:
a) Birth is a relatively safe thing for the vast majority of mothers and babies irrespective of how it is carried out. Even prior to modern medical advances, 99% of women delivered at home without serious complications. This has been important for the promulgation of the species.
b) Home birth may very well be an extremely empowering, spiritual, life changing, enriching experience. This cannot be measured, and the statement is subject to lots of personal interpretation. But I do not doubt it.
c) Since the advent of modern advances, whether it is fetal monitoring equipment, modern c-sections, transfusion medicine, tocometry, or any number of changes in the past century, having a baby in a hospital is safer than having a baby at home. More specifically, maternal mortality as a whole has dropped from 1 in 100 during the period of time during which nearly 100% of births in the United States were at home to 15-20 in 100,000 the time in which nearly 100% of births in the United States are at a hospital or medical facility. This is data driven and is easily measured.
Certainly, there are complications in hospitals, and some people have terrible outcomes in hospitals. But using maternal mortality as an endpoint, it is over 100 fold safer to have a baby today than in 1900 because of medical and public health advances.
d) Heather's citation of a story about cows implied that it was less safe to give birth in a hospital than at home. So I commented. It very well may be that for a given woman, the benefits discussed of giving birth at home outweigh the risks. Those benefits are unmeasurable, and may vary. However, while there is anecdote, there is absolutely no evidence that it is safer to give birth at home than in a hospital.
Heather,
While I do not agree with home birth (and I know I have commented before to that effect), I just wanted to say that I love your blog. I love that you are passionate about things and share them in an uplifting and inspiring way. And, more importantly, even if people don't agree with your opinions, you respond to comments with kindness and respect.
The thing that sometimes bothers me about some blogs is when people take the attitude "it's my blog and I can write whatever I want!" and then proceed to be outright rude, offensive and judgmental. Your blog is totally the opposite of that - although you write about some controversial subjects (which really is great and thought-provoking), you always write with respect and kindness. Even if sometimes people get offended, I can tell that wasn't your intent. Thanks for having good things to say, and for writing a blog that is fun to read, informative and uplifting. Keep it up!
Wait---can I voice my opinion on here? I, too, am passionate about things I'm opinionated about. If you weren't passionate about something you believe...well, what's the point? We could liken this to gospel principles but I won't do that due to time and space. I like how you are passionate about this topic and have an opinion. It has opened up new ideas and has educated me on the subject. I've had both babies in hospitals and I haven't felt demeaned or inferior at all because I know you. Reading any type of article in the paper, online, mags...you'll see people write their own opinions on topics. It might enflame some readers tempers. It might touch other readers and it might educate some. Even with health issues...there are usually many options for us to choose from. None of them being the one and only way to do things. It doesn't mean home birthing right for everyone...it is just someone's opinion. We are allowed to voice our opinions. And others are allowed to voice theirs in response...it's important that we do it without being rude however. (I'm saying this in general not in response to your brother or uncles response to your post...in general). I enjoy reading and learning on your blog. I'd rather read it from someone with experience and with passion about it than sit around researching it. Of course, if I was serious about a home birth, I probably would seek out that information. I do know women who have had wonderful home births and yet had complications. They still stick by home birthing. Thanks for broadening my horizons. Oh---and I've been opinionated on fb and have gotten attacked for it so...will never do that again. I try to be much more careful about my opinions on things because people seem to take it the wrong way or feel the need to respond. Sometimes a voiced opinion doesn't require a response. Can't you just be happy with something you've done and share it?
good grief...after posting my comment I felt a sort of sinking in my stomach...which means I've probably voiced my opinion...I'll never learn to shutup my opinions when they weren't asked for. haha Sorry for sharing it. Hopefully it's too long for anyone to read. Heather--good luck on having a blog and sharing your opinion with others without having people feel demeaned or inferior. That's why my blog is private and I just post pictures of my girls and our stuff for close friends and family. Hopefully I didn't make this situation worse for ya. Take heart and don't lose that passion. I would probably choose you as a doula if I lived near you. I think I'd like to try that sometime. But what about women who even two weeks after the due date...they haven't had any progress? What do you do then? Just curious...both of mine were long overdue.
Like most of the women I know who chose to give birth at home, I studied the issue out in my mind extensively--even exploring the views of home birth opponents to ensure that I looked at the issue from all sides and didn't make the wrong choice. By the time I made the decision to give birth at home, I had spent the previous five+ years of my life studying childbirth. But even all of the science, facts, research, numbers, and stories wouldn't have been enough for me to take on the real, though minimal, risks inherent in home birth without fervent, deep, heartfelt consultation with the Lord.
I have never agonized over a decision more than I did over this one. We probably wouldn't have even considered a home birth if it hadn't been for certain financial circumstances in our life, but home birth was clearly the path that made the most financial sense for us. Above all, I did NOT want to make the wrong choice and put myself or my baby at increased risk, so it weighed extremely heavily on my mind. So we studied it out in our minds, worked hard to be completely open to the Lord's guidance, searched, pondered, prayed, and decided that home birth felt like the path we were being led to.
Next we asked the Lord if it was right, and my husband gave me a priesthood blessing I will never forget. It was one of the most tender and beautiful spiritual experiences of my life. I felt the most incredible burning in my heart--like I was being filled with the burning, life-giving love of God. I have never in my life received a more strong, intense, powerful answer to prayer. Then, throughout the rest of my pregnancy, when I had moments of weakness, my husband and the Lord reminded me of that powerful witness, and the Lord, in His tender mercy, promised me that we would be watched over and kept safe as I gave birth. And we were.
Do I think home birth is the right choice for everyone? Absolutely not. Do I think all birth attendants are safe? Absolutely not. I chose my midwives specifically because of their astoundingly superior stats and experience and because safety was extremely important to me. I think all women should drill their potential birth attendants about their stats and experience before choosing to put their lives and their babies' lives into a stranger's hands. There are many excellent doctors and midwives out there, and there are many lousy doctors and midwives out there. It seems like the wisest course to be sure you're getting one of the excellent ones.
Sometimes the Lord's guidance contradicts what the world sees as logical or rational or obvious. But personal revelation always trumps limited mortal understanding.
I love Elder Holland's words: "After you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel His love and hear the word of the Lord, go forward. . . . You may, like Alma going to Ammonihah, have to find a route that leads an unusual way, but that is exactly what the Lord is doing here for the children of Israel. Nobody had ever crossed the Red Sea this way, but so what? There’s always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet.” (“‘Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence’,” Liahona, Jun 2000, 34)
I have a strong testimony that God cares deeply about birth. I know that He did not send over 1/3 of his daughters to mortality with bodies incapable of giving birth vaginally. I know that He is eager to help us make vital decisions impacting our pregnancies, babies, postpartum emotional health, and future health and fertility. Giving birth is one of the most important tasks the Lord has given to women on this earth, and I know that He can and will and loves to help us as we navigate that beautiful journey.
P.S. It's amazing how much difference the Atlantic Ocean can make!
A joint statement from the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and the Royal College of Midwives in the UK:
"There is no reason why home birth should not be offered to women at low risk of complications and it may confer considerable benefits for them and their families. There is ample evidence showing that labouring at home increases a woman's likelihood of a birth that is both satisfying and safe, with implications for her health and that of her baby." (http://www.rcog.org.uk/womens-health/clinical-guidance/home-births)
Thank you all for your comments. It is really wonderful to hear about everyone's different birth experiences, at home and in the hospital, I think it just bears testimony to the fact that God has a different plan for each of us.
I REALLY appreciate everyone who said kind things about my blog. I am SO glad that this can be a safe place to express opinions and ideas. If we don't listen and learn from eachother we will never find truth. So thank you for sharing.
I love you all too :)
I also love reading about your blog. I find it so uplifting. I have read things that made me feel like the author considered women who birthed in a hospital terrible, but NEVER your blog. I love reading your reverence for birth.
I second a lot of other commenters: if people get offended that's their problem. That sounds so mean, but you can spend your entire life worried that every word you say will offend someone, and therefore not say anything that helps anyone. Nobody is forcing anyone to read your blog. I got to the point with my blog that I had to stop being apologetic and just write what I felt. Keep on keeping on. You are inspiring!
ps. I bet those same people who were offended feel like terrible people because they don't make homemade bread, or raise their own chickens, or what have you. Women in our society, and especially in the church, need to stop comparing and considering everyone an enemy and simply love one another!
Heather,
I wouldn't give it any more energy. Put it where it matters--into the book. People who don't pray about choices because they think they already know the answers are also the ones who judge others because they think they know them pretty well. Like that judgment, everyone? Be offended only if it applies to you. If it doesn't, let it go. Fighting over this stuff is not our calling, Heather. It is writing. As Christ taught, "Contention is not of me."
xoxo
Hey Heather, sorry to hear how you have been feeling. I think you are a great writer and I LOVE reading your blog. It is uplifting and I feel that I have learned a lot about birth options. I love the passion that you have for birth. I like how you talk about it and I feel that you do it with respect, sanctity and kindness. While I do not agree with some of your thoughts about home birth, I am grateful to learn different point of views and get educated about different ideas. "I may not agree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it" Voltaire
Hey Heather, sorry to hear how you have been feeling. I think you are a great writer and I LOVE reading your blog. It is uplifting and I feel that I have learned a lot about birth options. I love the passion that you have for birth. I like how you talk about it and I feel that you do it with respect, sanctity and kindness. While I do not agree with some of your thoughts about home birth, I am grateful to learn different point of views and get educated about different ideas. "I may not agree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it" Voltaire
Let me start by saying both posts were amazing! I have often compared human to animal birth. I agree with you. I know that God created my body perfectly and to give birth. With that being said I love how you have said there is a time and place for medical intervention. I love to hear about your home births yet it is not for me. I love this world that makes us different. It is what helps us learn and grow. Birth is the most amazing thing. I am so thankful to be able to experience it. Thank you for your thoughts. They inspire me both in birth and just life. I do have to laugh though. I offending somebody last week being overly excited about natural childbirth :).
This comment is to the commentary more than to Heather... I think she gets it.
Because we all clearly have the internet... why don't some of you pull up your good friend google and check out some infertility numbers. Understand that if there is a significant number of women who suffer from this, that there must also be a similar number of men. Let us be weary of saying "God wouldn't make women ____ " or "God made me ___"(fill in the blank). In those statements you are implying much more than you are saying.
Also, it is possible to argue a point after no offense was taken. It can be done. Heather's family saw some points that she needed to be more clear on, and they very cordially made valid arguments. This coming from a total outsider. I am a man, and I couldn't care less about where a woman has a baby, so long as I don't have to do it. Kidding.
But honestly, I've seen more levelheadedness and less emotion coming from those everyone is choosing to label as "offended" than I have from all the rest.
Of course Heather can express her opinion, and she wants replies to that opinion, otherwise she could disable comments.
To Heather:
I can tell you sincerely don't intent to hurt feelings. But listen to your critics and really pick carefully HOW you say what you want to say. It is very hard to say something controversial and be diplomatic at the same time. But it can be done, and that will determine how well your book is received. Heck as you have seen, if you are unsure, post it on your blog and we the people will let you know, right? Best of luck.
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