I'm a Hypenator

This week I went to a dinner to commemorate the director of the Women's Research Institute (WRI) at BYU. The WRI is being dissolved (which is tragic and such a step backwards!) and so the director, Bonnie, is "retiring". It was a bitter sweet evening. I loved getting to see all the amazing women I worked with for almost 4 years when I was a research assistant there, but like a funeral there was that underlying sadness that is hard to rise above. They asked if I would speak for a few minutes about what Bonnie and the WRI have meant in my life. This is what I wrote. I wanted to share it because it is the best tribute I can make to an amazing woman and an amazing institution. Also, because I thought that it was time I let you all in on my deep, not so dark, secret....

I have a hyphen in my last name. I put it in on a whim just after I got married. It wasn’t a pre-thought out decision. When the lady at the social security office gave me the form to write my new married name on I wrote both my maiden name and my married name in the last name box, then in a moment of panic I quickly put a sloppy hyphen in between them and slid it under the window. As I walked out of the office I couldn’t believe what I had just done. Part of me secretly hoped that the social security office wouldn’t notice the hyphen and forget to put it in. No such luck, a few weeks later I got my social security card and there was my new name with a big hyphen in the middle. My husband of just a few weeks took one look at it (I hadn’t told him about the hyphen yet) started to laugh and said “I knew it, I just knew it. You are one of those hyphenators.”

And I guess I am…. Whatever that means.

My dear friend and mentor is also one of “those hyphenators”, and perhaps she is the reason my subconscious decided I needed to have a hyphen in my name. Through her example and friendship she taught me that there are as many different ways to be a woman as there are woman in this world and that we each having something beautiful and valuable to contribute. She and the WRI came into my life when I needed them the most. I was young and struggling with what it meant to be a woman. She guided me, loved me and showed me how to find a beautiful balance in my life. In truth, she gave me my hyphen—the ability to find unity and peace within myself and with my place in the world. Instead of letting opposing and contradicting ideas or identities tear me apart I’ve been able to use my hyphen bridge the gap and find peace between them. For example, because of the hyphen I am now a mother who is a feminist, married but independent, a stay-at-home mom with a career, a believer who questions, and a supportive wife with two last names.

In the last few years I’ve thought a lot about this hyphen in my name. I still don’t know exactly why I put it in. I don’t use it socially and the only time it shows up is on super official documents like my taxes and school transcripts. Sometimes I want to take it out but then something in me rebels against it. I think deep down inside I really like my hyphenated identity. Not only does the hyphen symbolically unify my pre-marriage identity with my marriage identity but it has helped me look at the world in a different way. I’ve come to realize that most women lead "hyphenated lives" and that they are constantly trying to find ways to unify the many facets of their lives. They struggle to balance and juggle contradictions and complexities. Discovering how to unify their experiences, culture, and ancestry with their dreams, thoughts and passions. I’ve realized that it is a never-ending challenge for a woman to learn how to unify her many identities and that perhaps that is the struggle and joy of being a woman... learning to find the balance and peace between your hyphens.

I think that the hyphen is the greatest gift Bonnie and the Women’s Research Institute have given me; the knowledge that there is no one right way to be a woman and that a woman who is unified and at peace within herself is able to be a powerful instrument in the hands of God. Bonnie is a beautiful instrument and God has worked powerful and beautiful miracles through her. I will be forever grateful for this amazing woman, for her strength, her faith, her intelligence and her love. I’ve learned important eternal lessons from watching her balance her motherhood, her career, her trials, her friendships and her passions. She is an angel in her own way and I want her to know that her example has influenced and shaped my life in an incredible way. I am a woman at peace within myself and with my hyphens because of her guidance and I hope and I promise that I will teach my tiny six-month old daughter some of what Bonnie taught me. We will continue to work towards a world where men and women have true peace... and not just tolerance and coexistence. Thank you Bonnie. I love you.